Atmospheric Black Metal Kitchen

Otep Concert Review/Kathaarsys Album Review

2010-06-09T02:45:00.001-07:00

I would have posted Monday, but I only spent sporadically intermittent moments online, as I was preparing for and then heading to a concert! The concert was for Otep, an artist I'm not sure many die-hard Black Metal fans enjoy. For this reason, this post will be in two parts: a review of the concert, and then a review of the newest Kathaarsys release.

One reason I love Metal: so few others in America do. So it's quite common to get a three hour show for 15 bucks a ticket (except for Tool... they're playing two shows at Redrocks, Colorado in a couple weeks, for $60-80. Every ticket was sold out in a half an hour! Guess I'm not going to that show.) So yesterday evening, we made our way to Grand Junction. The concert was at Mesa Theater, which is in a relatively "well-to-do" part of town: statues from local artists adorning the street, small ice cream and toy shops, lots of diners and fine restaurants. They frequently hold seasonal festivals in this district. Anyway, upon our arrival, we saw a few kids already in line. Stereotypical Metalheads: lots of black, some "Goth" clothes, bands shirts. Good crowd. But we hadn't eaten in hours, so we decided to stop in the cheapest diner we could find and grab a bite to eat. While waiting for our food, we stared at the passersby and speculated whether or not they were going to the concert. We decided anybody wearing black or with cool facial hair MUST be going. Which was, more or less, everyone, and basically true.

But I digress. Skip ahead a few minutes, getting indoors, walking around. My friends and I had found a place toward the back of the line. Somehow, by the time we got in, we were so far ahead of everyone else that we found a base up at the front, just before the moshing area. Two local bands were up before Otep: Sworn Us Under and Intertwined, both from Grand Junction.Sworn Us Under was up first, and they were actually pretty good. Their vocalist had an epic harsh vocals range, judging by what they played, and could also sing in tune. He held out some screams for upwards of 20, 30 seconds, which greatly impressed me, considering it was live! He also had better stage presence than the rest of the band, though they had great instrumentals, some emulating older Thrash, some more recent Death Metal. More or less a modern band emulating the "underground" styles. It sort of reminds me of Orphanage. They had a female bassist (I'm starting to get suspicious as to the number of female bassists I'm seeing nowadays, is the only reason that's really noteworthy. Otherwise I'm all for chicks in Metal!), and their lead guitarist was the only guy in the room with hair longer than mine, which I felt especially proud of, considering he's likely ten years my elder. I can see this band really maturing and becoming great in a few years.

The other supporting band was all right. Intertwined. They had some good riffs and drum fills, but I didn't like the vocalist too much. Just not my favorite style. One of their guitarists was absent for some unmentioned reason, so the vocalist's dad filled in. I was mixed with feelings of disgust: who invites their dad into their band? and feelings of respect: that old guy is pretty hardcore! But, then again, their music was quite normal, so he couldn't be terribly hardcore. Their other six-string player was fairly incredible. My not being a guitarist means I dunno much about the difficulty of what he played, but he had great stage presence, dancing around, playing extremely wide, jumping up and down, and without missing a beat.

Sworn Us Under's MySpace

Intertwined's MySpace

Finally, the time for Otep arrived. I don't remember them coming out on stage, only their sudden appearance amidst flashing lights and this small, skinny, blond woman maniacally skipping out onto the stage.

Next thing I knew, I was one of hundreds with my fist in the air, screaming along to "Battle Ready". At various points in the show, Otep would disappear and come back out with a new mask. Otep is an incredibly intellectual person, abused when she was a child, and she's faced personal demons more than most - it leads to intense songs on crazy albums, and a darkly themed show. They played "Blood Pigs" and Otep danced around the stage with a (fake - she's not Ohlin and his crow, after all) pig's head, which I assumed was an allusion to Lord of the Flies (I can definitely see Miss Shamaya being big on allegories about man's savage nature).

I was amused by the amount of people being kicked out - one of which I later found out was the vocalist for Intertwined; otherwise, I would find people getting kicked out at a Metal concert quite insignificant ;)

I was overjoyed when the band members all adorned Guy Fawkes masks - an obvious and appropriate reference to the movie "V for Vendetta," one of my all-time favorites. Screaming "RISE, REBEL, RESIIST! Rise, Rebel, Make a fist, RESIST!" with your fist in the air, and at band members wearing Guy Fawkes masks, was deliciously appropriate and extremely gratifying.

The night wore on, more people got kicked out, some beer was spill'd on my friend, and Otep put out song after song. It was truly epic!
One of the best moments of the concert (in my humble opinion) was when they played Ghostflowers. This has always been my favorite Otep song - indeed, it was the song that showed me this wondrous band - and this show's version was no exception to its twisted beauty.
About two hours after they started, Otep announced homage to Kurt Cobain, and they played "Breed" to finish the show. And what a finish! "We could plant a house, we could build a tree!" is still stuck in my head - which is all right, 'cause it's a bloody great song! They finished as boomingly as they started (is boomingly a word? If not, I'm exercising my right as a philologist and inventing it!). All in all, definitely a fucking spectacular show.
A shoutout and thank you to Dio Musquiz Jr. for the fantastic pictures, more of which can be found on his Facebook.

_______________________________________________
Whew, this is a long one! Thanks for sticking with it if you've come this far ;)

I'm terribly in love with Kathaarsys. Every album they've done is extremely solid, well-written, a veritable masterpiece! For this reason, I will be reviewing them all in coming days. But for now, I needs must talk about their newest album "Intuition".

Jose Luis Montáns - Guitar/Vocals
Marta Barcia - Bass Guitar
Adrián Hernández - Drums

"Intuition" is a strange digression from their previous works. Sure, it's still got elements of Black Metal - but it also has strong elements of Death Metal, Power Metal, and Jazz. The cover, above, is absolutely beautiful! This album, though, is something else. Genre-crossing at its best, and it was something of a surprise to me on first listen.

The opening track, "Preconsciencia, Ciclo Iniciatico Vital," starts with an extremely fast guitar riff around a Blues Scale, then moves to something just a bit slower, but still with occasional fast picks up the scale, and with Marta's bass line moving quickly underneath. When the vocals come in, the guitar starts playing smooth chords. It all feels like real easy Jazz, and so far with not one hint at being a Metal record. Then BAM! You're onto the second track, "Consciencia, Duda-Apatia-Duda-Depresion," and the album is instantly Black Metal - pounding beats on the snare, hard, dark riffs, and screeching vocals. Then, not long in, it shifts again, where Jose starts in with high, clean singing, and the riffage becomes very epic. As quickly as it become Power Metally, it goes, once again, back to Black Metal, though with Jose growling sickly out at you - of course, it all gets brought back down to light Jazz again before the third song.

The entire album is like this! It weaves out of powerful blast beats and Death Metal stylings into easy Jazz that makes me feel as one in a well-to-do nightclub, through epic guitars all over the Blues Scales, some that sound Double Harmonic Minor, and tremolo picking. The bass sometimes plays the standard roots of each chord, and sometimes it plays a counter-melody with the guitar. Either that or the chords change so fast and so often and so sporadically that they sound as a melody.

After a couple songs with a ton of Metal, the middle part of the album seem to give way to feelings of Progressive Jazz. It takes it back to Metal generally very briefly, but very smartly, after a gradual and complex build-up, before breaking it back down (again and again!) to Jazz.
The 7th track recovers the Jazz straight into an epic Metal ballad-y sounding song, with heavy distortion, fast blast beats from Hernández, and fast bass aplenty. The 8th song, "Fugaz Esperanza" feels very folky at first, but then moves in a powerful direction to transition into "Recapitulacion da Dubida, Incomodidade, Incomunicacion e Confusión," a truly amazing song and the second longest song for this release. It's phenomenally chaotic - to say the least! Stylistically, it contains everything previously emulated on the CD, and moves around every few seconds or so.

The next to last song is slow and pretty at first - the vocals are mostly spoken word and the atmosphere is solemn. One almost thinks they're going to let the album fade out beautifully with this song and the next, but then these suspenseful clean chords start playing. They continue, and one wonders where they're going with it. They've done so much already on the album that they could let this new suspense go nowhere - I wouldn't blame them! Or go literally everywhere. But as they go on, I get this feeling that they're moving to something climactic and grand - so they do not disappoint! It builds and builds to this huge riff that comes with no almost no conventional transition - I think it's one of the most headbangable moments of the CD. Then it stops. The last track is an eerie outro.

Every track on this beautiful record is *eargasm* but the ones that particularly stand out (get ready, these are long titles and I feel it inappropriate to shorten them) "Consciencia, Duda-Apatia-Duda-Depresion," "Paralise, Fases Esquizoides, Locura Psicotropica Autoinducida," "Estraño e Contradictorio Intervalo de Lucidez," "Caos, Colision coa Realidade," "Recapitulacion da Dubida, Incomodidade, Incomunicacion e Confusión," and "Tristeza, Fracaso, Doce Tolemia e Final".

I could not pick a single favorite right now - maybe in time. For now, however, the whole thing blends wonderfully in my mind as a single musical entity. Indeed, the only way, sometimes, to know where one track ends and another begins is to simply watch the time - but I don't suggest this, at least on the first listen. Its being so chaotic, though, makes me slightly uneasy occasionally. It's unpredictable, always - and no one likes it when things don't go according to plan. Still, whether you're looking at it as a Jazz or a Metal fan, it's fucking genius. A tip 'o the hat to this Black Metal (?) trio from Spain!

ABM Kitchen New Management/Summoning

2010-05-31T18:21:00.001-07:00

Atmospheric Black Metal Kitchen is under new management! I wanna go straight to what we all care about (delicious, delicious metal) but you can see a brief blurb about me over to the side.

I'm going to admit something: I love J.R.R. Tolkien. Picture a once-green field ta'en over by ten-thousand fully-armed orcs, spanning ranks of ten by ten, all snarling, reeling for a conflict. On the opposite side (because everything has a side. It's a universal theme of good and evil, people!) a few thousand well-clad warriors await the start to a terrible battle. What they lack in numbers, they make up for in talent, and spirit - they fight for life, land, and honor.

Summoning is a band that fantastically depicts this scene in their music - especially the album Oath Bound. *drools absentmindedly*

Oh, sorry, I, uh, was lost in the music.
Because it's amazing!

Oath Bound is arguably more atmospheric than anything Summoning has released to date.
Listening to the first song, I am instantly on the field of battle, but less as an actual participant and more as a sort of ethereal spectator to thousands of screaming orcs, "Lord and master, lord and master!" in reference to Sauron, I believe.
Of course, in response to this war-call, the second track is an intensely visual, ten-minute piece about nature! But nature isn't exactly a deep topic for review, so I'll skip to the third song: "Mirdautas Vras". The song lyrics are actually written in "the black language of Mordor" which sends nerdy tingles up my spine left and right. That, and it has a slightly amusing brass line underneath all of Sauron's shrieking and screaming.

The album continues, every song hereafter averaging about 8 minutes in pure phantasmagoria; it makes me happy! No... that's a blatant understatement. If this CD was a woman, I would hold her hand and buy her flowers and take her to romantic dinners at the Italian Underground Restaurant. But just listening to the CD is a bit less creepy, so I think I'll stick with that.

Book Review: J. Daniel Gunther - Initiation in the Aeon of the Child

2009-09-17T19:16:00.000-07:00

Throughout history, some individuals have profoundly influenced metal music and culture without playing a single note. Dante Alighieri. John Milton. Friedrich Nietzsche. Snorri Sturluson and Brynjolfr Sveinsson, who preserved the manuscripts that are now known as Norse mythology. Richard Wagner, whose dramatic music paved the way for today's epic metal. And, of course, the Beast 666 himself, Aleister Crowley.

Modern Satanism and a lot of today's occultism and Paganism wouldn't exist without Crowley's philosophy of Thelema - a self-empowering, martial blend of spirituality and ritual that draws upon Egyptian, Kabbalistic, Nietzschean and Tantric influences. Conceived in 1904, the Law of Thelema - do what thou wilt - was a potent antidote to Victorian attitudes. Metal serves much of the same purpose today.

More importantly, I'm not sure what Behemoth would sing about if it weren't for Uncle Al. Even if lighting a bunch of candles and chanting at midnight is not your horn of mead, you've got to thank Crowley for contributing to Behemoth's existence.

Spiritual initiation is, roughly speaking, the process of becoming more aware of yourself, becoming more efficient and in control of your life through meditation and ritual. Whether you believe this works through religious or psychological means, it's a big part of many people's lives. Initiation in the Aeon of the Child discusses this in the context of Thelema, which posits that now that we're in the individual age (in Crowley's historical theory: Aeon of the Child, the previous ones were the Aeons of the Mother (matriarchal) and the Father (patriarchal)), we have a different formula of initiation. No longer must the spiritual seeker symbolically 'die' and then be reborn, like Christ or in some respects Buddha, to reach 'enlightenment'. And the 'enlightenment' reached by seekers in this new era is (according to Gunther), psychologically speaking, different from the old conception, since it recognizes both the darkness and the light. Gunther explains it much better than I can: if you are interested, go read the book!

Gunther explains a lot of Crowley's difficult technical writings in language that's clear to the new seeker. He draws upon the psychological theories of Jung to relate these Kabbalistic or alchemical ideas to modern thinking, and he discusses the lifelong process of initiation in a topic by topic manner.

While I do disagree with Gunther on some points, for example, his suggestion that the resurrection formula - which is also the shamanic formula, mind you- is completely obsolete for every seeker, spiritual books qua spiritual books are intensely personal with respect to their authors. They cannot reveal absolute, scientifically proven truth, but only one person's perspective on something that's difficult to quantify. Gunther certainly understands Crowley's often obscure writing style, and while he does infuse it with his own strain of thought, this book will no doubt help many a newbie.

For what it is, Initiation is infinitely better than a lot of spiritual texts you will find floating on the 'New Age' shelf, such as "Teen Witch".

Darkestrah - Epos

2009-09-17T18:40:00.000-07:00

Today I'm presenting two reviews: an album and a book. Book reviews are a new idea that I'm playing with for this site: please tell me what you think! I'll be covering books (that I like!) that I feel black metal fans would like, ranging from alternative spirituality to dark fiction, science fiction, epic historical material, and modern nonfiction.

Darkestrah - Epos (2007)

Darkestrah are most commonly known as 'the female-fronted band from Kyrgyzstan' (who now live in Germany), but aside from representing their cultural heritage on albums such as Sary Oy (2003) and The Great Silk Road (2008), they specialize in our favorite sort of music, atmospheric black metal. Darkestrah are very Drudkh-esque in their expansive yet indigenous sound, though they lean slightly more proggy/epic than raw like Drudkh.

On this album, Kriegtalith and co. certainly seem to be channeling the same current as Wolves in the Throne Room did in Two Hunters, complete with long stretches of nature sounds, tribalesque drumming and a strong feeling of genius loci. I feel that their usage of indigenous influences - from the traditional singing in the last 6 minutes to the temir komuz (jaw harp) - was very well placed. I felt that the eerie, didgeridoo-like sound of the komuz was especially effective when juxtaposed with acoustic guitar and rain sounds.

The WiTTR comparison is especially appropriate in light of Epos' text, which exhorts the destruction of civilization in order to return to a tribal state and shamanic faith. I especially liked this couplet discussing Kriegtalith's view of post-modernity:

"It forgot the past, it will not disclose the future,
it will bury the great secrets within itself."

Epos is certainly an album that keeps us from forgetting the past or neglecting to disclose the future.

Wolves in the Throne Room: Keeping Black Metal Trve (and American!)

2009-05-28T17:30:00.000-07:00

Beginning on May 16th in Chicago, Wolves in the Throne Room have been on tour with Krallice and A Storm of Light, revitalizing the black metal scene and burning churches (OK, maybe not so much) in a country that has needed it the most: America. Wolves in the Throne Room have even had the opportunity to play one of the biggest festivals in the states, Maryland Death Fest, alongside Mayhem, Marduk, Atheist and Pestilence.

Outside of Webster Hall in New York, a long line of people (yes, a line!) were waiting anxiously to enter, as tickets and ID's were checked obnoxiously slow. After waiting almost half an hour to enter (even though doors had opened over 45 minutes prior), I finally reached the packed basement. A Storm of Light set the mood for the night with their sludgy doom metal presence. Their live show is

powerful and just as atmospheric as their LP. As for Krallice, well, any band with Colin Marston (Behold... the Arctopus, Byla) needs no introduction. Their style of progressve black metal is crowd friendly in the sense that the hooks will cause any onlooker to nod their head, even for just a bit (of course until they change the time signature). Lastly, Wolves in the Throne Room took the stage with their intense fog machines and candles spread over the stage, which made it even sweeter to watch them. Their intense set was almost non-stop, with little to no crowd discussion. Their style is definitely a matured and revivised form of black metal, comparing this to black metal in its purest sense. Going as far as deeming them a "post-black metal" act, as controversial as it may seem, could most certainly be argued. Even though most of the tour is complete, if one has the opportunity to see this tour, I would approve.

Photos Courtesy of Bill Shouldis via MetalInsider.Net

Ramblings on metal culture and geekdom

2009-05-06T16:47:00.001-07:00

(x-posted fom Live Journal)
An 'Op-Ed'

I was listening to some Dissection today. Storm of the Light's Bane. This got me thinking. Modern metal is contradictory and liminal. It is an 'outsider' music/culture that is mainstream - metalheads like to cultivate this badass, elite, oppressed attitude but everyone's listened to a Maiden or Sabbath song at least once in their lives. Metal is coarse, grotesque and transcendental. But this article isn't about the music itself, which you can go hear on lastfm or the back pages of this site (download, people!)

Modern metal culture (thenceforth referred to as 'metal') is a safe space for kids labeled 'geeks' and 'freaks' to assert themselves with a set of 'given' rules - the foremost of which is not giving a shit what people think. It is also an answer to the postmodern while questioning the modern- and the premodern. It's also become a space for immigrant men, particularly from Latin America, Europe, Asia and the Middle East, to assert a space for themselves.

While hip hop, punk and goth negotiate the dominant paradigm by being explicitly racialized, gendered, exoticized and classed, non-NSBM metal seeks to move away from this. Black metal doesn't mean God Forbid (who are thrash). Female-fronted bands are only noted as such if they're in a certain florid genre (Nightwish, Sirenia). It also embraces neurodiversity. ADHD? Try speed metal. Depressed? Doom metal's for you. Bipolar? How about melodic death? Metal defines itself as a brotherhood by being individualistic within an tacit collectivism, instead of pussyfooting around and singing Kumbayah.

The most empowering thing about metal is its rage against the 'geek' idea. Intelligence is strength. Knowledge is power. Dreams are strength and power. Depression can be strength. You become stronger than the jocks - you are stronger than the brute-force jocks. Because you can see change- you are change, and you can assert yourself. Revenge of the nerds, but as the nerds take their revenge they become more than nerds.

While there is a 'metal way of dress' it is not enforced the way 'goth' is. Again - as contradictory - it is 'more metal' to wear a suit and tie than wear a metal shirt and be unemployed. Within metal's defined liminality, charged with power, we make manifest our internal power. Playing Dungeons and Dragons isn't just accepted here, dragons and swords become symbols of strength and virility. Verbal intelligence is respected, like mathematical is in the engineering world. There is a different social order, almost tribal. It is deeply emotional, yet controlled. Unrestrained, Romantic-era emotion is 'emo', but the deep melancholy expressed in black-doom metal, the fury in death metal, the romance in gothic metal is the essence of what it is because it is brought together with strength, purpose and art. Experiencing this together in a concert is what creates the metal brotherhood.

There is in metal society a refreshing honesty and an attitude of continual, Nietzschean self-improvement - of change and vitality - rather than mindless acceptance. Metalheads regularly challenge each other as 'posers'. But does that matter, in the end? Does being fat, gay or straight matter? Metal is about perhaps the illusory core of humanity. Hip hop and punk rock are postmodern, but metal's attitude is pre-modern. In that way, hip hop espouses an agnostic humanism, while metal espouses a heathen humanism.

Metal culture also accepts what others call 'escapism'. It's accepted to read science fiction and comic books. Metal is comic book music, look at the song 'Iron Man'. At the same time, metal doesn't promote escapism for escapism's sake, or intellectualism for intellectualism's sake. It is deeply Teutonic in its practicality, roundly deriding pure escapists as 'losers'. Metal is not for the body, but for the mind, and the spirit lost to the body, yet reasserted in moshing and crowd-surfing. It is rock and roll stripped of its germinal mating-dance. Not sex in the back of a car, but harnessing that force Tantrically and using it to reassert the renewed self.

Black Metal Cookie Recipe

2009-04-20T13:05:00.001-07:00

... And here's how I make black metal cookies....

Black Metal Chocolate Chocolate Chip Cookies

2 cups flour
1 1/2 cup butter or margarine, melted
1 1/2 cup brown sugar
2 eggs or 2 tbsp. flax seed egg replacer
1 tbsp baking powder (not soda) - I recommend 'Calumet'
2 cups chocolate chips
Pinch salt
1/2 cup cocoa powder

You know the drill - mix liquids and sugar, mix solids and chocolate chips, make flattened balls and bake at 375 F / 190 C for ~ 10 minutes.

Black Metal Cookies!

2009-04-20T12:56:00.000-07:00

My friend Nick found this video... LOL...

Happy 420 to all you stoner metalheads and metalhead stoners out there!

Blodarv- Beyond Life

2009-02-23T19:33:00.000-08:00

Beyond life is the fourth release and first EP by the Danish black metal band. It features three tracks that would later make their appearance in different versions on various other releases and one that had already appeared in a different version. The three tracks of which are based on the death of lead vocalist Hugin’s lover Linaria Amlech and this can be felt in the tracks.

The first track Langt Vaek Fra Livet is a slow dirge style song with fuzzed guitars, melodic composed parts, and slow mournful drums. Above this are vocalist Hugin’s mid level screeching accented by the clean female vocals of fellow band member Isaz. All of these elements combine together to deliver an excellent song that is at the same time beautiful and moving while dark and depressive.

The second track Death of Linaria is a haunting spoken word ambient track consisting of fuzz, repetitive keys, and Hugin’s near silent whispers. If this sounds boring then you should give it a listen. Listen to the lyrics and think upon what this track is about and you have before you a truly mesmerizing and powerful piece of “music”.

The third and final track Beyond Life is the most “black metal” of the three filled with more fuzzed guitars melodic leads, and Hugin’s screetches. The drums are incredibly buried making them nearly inaudible but at a point where they really add more to the song this way. The song slowly builds and goes ever higher and higher following the guitars and Hugin’s increasingly powerful vocals as he tells his dreamlike tale and by the end reaches what I would describe as a minimalist epic.

All in all this is a solid release and contains three of the bands best tracks in my opinion and tells the first part in the continuing tale of Linaria.

Link: www.blodarv.org

Stock Feeder- EP 2008

2009-02-22T16:56:00.000-08:00

I received very unassuming CD-r in a pack of stuff a friend of mine sent me, there was nothing really interesting about it just a blank white CD-r and a cover ok big deal so I laid it down on the desk and left it alone for about two days. After remembering I had it I decided to plug it in and give it a listen and I must say I was actually pretty impressed.

This is the first recorded material by these grindcore/noise warriors. Now what makes this different than any other tracks of drum machine filled, crazy electronic noise you may ask? My answer is all in the riffs and the timing. While I’m not a fan of drum machines these guys know how to program one well where it accents and backs the music and doesn’t detract and kill it on top of that despite the short song times the riffing is very good and even really memorable a definite plus for any form of grind.

Spaced throughout are several tracks of well done violent noise/power electronics, talking tracks, and little bits of ambience all of this is short though to avoid annoyance by non noise fans and you can actually listen to it more than one time in a row. Not to say there are no problems with this EP though. The vocals are ok but in some points are just a little boring to me and for some reason the track Primordial Dwarfism is just really really hard to make it through.

All in all though I was really impressed by the band and I’m looking forward to what comes next.

Liver and Bacon Recipe.

2009-02-22T02:44:00.000-08:00

First of all I must add here that if you are a vegetarian or a vegan of any description then this recipe (as indicated in the title of the article) will not impress you, but if you happen to be carnivorous, then the recipe is a very good thing to try out.

Use two onions, dice them, and put them in the pan with some butter.
Wait for the onions to get a little brown, then add some mushrooms (i often use closed cup mushrooms), tomatoes, and plenty of spinach.

Anything between 200-400g of lambs liver.
Anything between 150-300g of streaked bacon.

Make sure you cut them into small pieces, as they digest much more better.

It is then just a matter of how skillful you are as a kitchen hand, give it some stir.

Once everything appears to have been cooked well, turn off the gas, and apply evenly around the pan nothing exceeding 100ml of double cream. The great thing about this recipe is that a lot of people who more often than not, happen to find liver 'repulsive' happen to find this rather delightful.

PROFANATICA- Profanatitas De Domonatia

2009-02-16T16:51:00.000-08:00

Written by JPSPearson on October 3rd, 2008

PROFANATICA- Profanatitas De Domonatia

After seventeen or so years having lapsed since their conception, it is of course interesting how an artist’s work bears its ground, especially after a prolonged period that has seen a rather spontaneous, yet scarce amount of output.

This review is not however to establish whether or not the artists can ‘stand the test of time’ or still ‘have it in them’, but to see that their work can still retain artistic validity.

The answer to this is a triumphant yes, both on a general artistic level and in the opinion of the reviewer.

Profanatica more or less retain their original approach to song writing, which is more or less a hybrid of traditional, hardcore influenced black metal such as Hellhammer and Sarcofago, with the sounds of the mid-to-late 80’s American death metal underground, and the dark sounds of Incantation, though somewhat less rhythmically juxtaposed.

However, there are small changes recognisable. One of these is the absence of any guitar solos. The production work is very precise, with a foreboding, thick, ultra-bassy guitar tone, with Paul Ledney’s drums still being versatile, but sounding rather mechanical and compressed, not doing his talents too much justice. This by no means compromises Profanatica’s sound however, but rather helps give it a new dimension, and seeing as this is their first full-length, this only serves to add a cohesion that had previously yet to present itself in any of their earlier works. One might also sense an aesthetical influence similar to the album ‘Joined In Darkness’ by Demoncy.

Ledney’s vocals are still the same, hellish rasp that permeated the band’s earliest recordings (for those unaware, almost sounding comparable to that of Krieg vocalist Imperial). Lyrical topics still focus on sodomy, blasphemy, and the defilement of anything that may be deemed ‘Christian’, a fine alternative to the ‘maturity’ embraced by many long-standing artists who often fail in their efforts to make their output more ‘sensible’.

This is a formidable album in that is very hard-hitting, even at times infectious, upon first listen. It retains all of the virtues that made them a great band in the first place, yet is unafraid to introduce new aesthetics without polluting said qualities.

Muscle Man

2009-02-14T01:50:00.001-08:00

This strangely-titled kettle from Germany is obviously targeted toward the jock population...

Super Duper Announcement!

2009-02-10T21:55:00.001-08:00

Due to our overwhelming fan response, theABMkitchen is currently in the process of revamping into an actual zine, rather than a mere blog. There will be recipes, household tips, concert reports, reviews and more! Submissions are wholeheartedly welcomed.

The Ruins of Beverast - Unlock The Shrine

2009-02-06T22:34:00.000-08:00

The Ruins of Beverast are one of those sludgy, eerie-sounding bands occupying the no man's land between the worlds of BM and doom. So, of course, they're on Blake Judd's Battle Command label. The solo project of Nagelfar's (no, not the Swedish band you know and love) drummer, Alex von Meilenwald, Beverast definitely bring a unique sound to the underground metal table - not your customary epic, ethereal medieval atmospheric stuff in the vein of Alcest or Summoning, but a lo-fi, grinding blend of horror movie soundtrack and raw metal, flavored with apocalyptic lyrics.
By apocalyptic, I mean existential, post-Christian angst:
My saviour, my mere witness indeed
I perceive your presence
Yet, you cannot approach ...
This hell is mine, I shall die between bronze walls.
Although their name is a reference to Norse mythology (say Bifrost really slowly), the Ruins' music does not contain Germanic romanticism or fist-pounding anthems. Their 16-minute 'epic' pieces are more likely to concern the Roman Empire, Jesus being nailed to the cross, and depression than anything else. That's a good reason to pick up Unlock The Shrine.

Sort of

2009-02-06T20:59:00.000-08:00

I'm not a vegetarian, but for some reason whenever I eat brown rice, I feel like I sort of am. Maybe it's the grainy taste that comes with eating this dark delicacy, but I feel at one with nature. Maybe I just feel good because I spent two dollars for about half a pound of rice. It's your call

Magic Wand blessing - and yet another lasagna recipe

2009-02-02T22:46:00.000-08:00

Candlemas, pass in radiant glory. New life rises
tentative within/below, a vagueness of verdure gasps
grasping/surfacing - Berkana's herald - not yet - just, oh
trauma contra Thanatos, rising from / breaking still ground
breaks Urgrund, breaks Water-Mother, Veiled One, revel in pain.

In this darkest hour.
On this brightest day.
Wherein baleful runes are carved, yet Diana holds sway. Maidens, we dance for Thanatos!

'Twas 'neath dappled glades I found you, in the effulgence of May
In strife you were shaped, like Spring-throes. Cutting away the skin for a better cause.
'Tween lightning and a winding road I carried you away
Scribing the name, the virtue of carved runes. Blade within my bent hand. Aluganðr, ye magic wand. Spring forth, active principle, stake my claim to the realms of air and flame!

Thus ends the blessing of this hallowed creature of sassafras!

Lasagna Recipe

I added some things to 'melt in' during re-heating, since I am done with it for the day, so I may post pictures tomorrow.

32 oz. can of tomato puree
16 oz. package of mozzarella
Sundry spices (chopped garlic, oregano, basil, cumin seed, pinch of thyme, marjoram and the like)
Soy crumbles, as much as you like (or an equal amount of lentils mixed with quinoa), stirred into the tomato puree
1 Egg or Flax Seed (2 tbsp in 1/4 cup water substitutes for each egg), mixed in with the cheese
24 oz. of ricotta (or 20 oz. of silken tofu and 4 oz. nutritional yeast)
Salt and pepper to taste
Bell peppers, onions, various other vegetables such as eggplant
Lasagna noodles (a box usually has 12)

1. Cook some vegetables, seasonings and crumbles with the tomato puree. That way, you get something resembling pasta sauce without the bother.

2. Cook the noodles as directed, then stack the items thus:
α. crumbles / puree mixture
ϐ. lasagna noodles
γ. cheese mixture
δ . mozzarella, and vegetable mixture (if needed).

Perform 2-3 iterations, or as much as is needed to use up all the noodles. Cover the last layer with 1. sauce and 2. mozzarella. Bake at 350 for 45 minutes. You're done. Get fat.

Delicious Soup Is Delicious

2009-02-01T09:21:00.000-08:00

Soup to Eat on Northern Black Metal Winter Nights
Chickpeas, cooked
8 oz. canned tomatoes
6-7 cloves of garlic
1 tbsp dill
1 tsp tarragon
Some bay leaves
2 bunches of mustard greens
Mini shell pasta
Water or stock
If using water: 2 tbsp nutritional yeast and 2 tbsp light soy sauce

You know the procedure if you've read this blog.

Freakin' Novel Writing

2009-01-03T05:52:00.000-08:00

The reason I was gone for so long was: a. trying to get a 4.0 and phailing (I got 3.92 due to my sloth, but I did imbibe a lot of Derrida, but wait, I imbibed a lot of Derrida...) b. loitering on PaganSpace.net (post my tentative conversion to the neo-Pagan Weltanschauung*) and c. writing a novel.

Now, it's not November, you may say, so why write a novel? Well, for many reasons - honoring my characters by finishing their story and giving them purpose, contributing to the sci fi / fantasy genre that I've loved since the first of 81 volumes of "Journey to the West" fell in my lap a score ago, racking up publish-or-perish points for grad school (yeah, so I'm a musicologist. Hey, the novel's protagonists are musicians, and they play shawms. Shawms!**), entertaining my homies, showing off to my homies, and making some bank because I've noticed my employer shortening hours over and over again due to financially delinquent parents.

Rounding up, I'm now to 30,000 words and I've been clocking an average of 3,000 per day since I've started forcing my butt into gear. Yes, unfortunately I'm still on the first draft of Kyrinahl. I'm also working on a time-travel mystery novella with my friend Mike. This yarn is turning into a fantasy epic - there's a big battle at the end, with nukes, espionage, and magic swords. I've cut out the hacker subplot because it's just so damn cheesy. Not that the book is not cheesy without it. After all, what is fantasy but WoWish cheese, consumed with a good-sized horn of mead? Raise your horn to the great gods of SF/F and go support your local fantasy authors today.

* I did not just watch The Craft, nor do I enjoy too much Viking metal, nor am I a clichéed metal / neofolk poseur with too much time on my grubby studio-apartment dwelling, record-pawing, East Village crawling hipster hands. Go to my Livejournal, whose contents are naught but psychospiritual discourse.

** Shawms are totally fergalicious. Shawms are the predecessor to the oboe. Here are some.

Nata De Coco

2008-12-06T15:43:00.000-08:00

Today I was eating some mango-flavored Malaysian jellies and I noticed that the chewy cubes within the carrageenan matrix were described on the package as nata de coco. Naturally, I had to look this up, because anything relating to coconut and chewy things interests me.

I came upon this description: "Nata de Coco is a chewy, translucent, jelly-like substance produced by the bacterial fermentation of coconut water. It is mixed in one of the most popular refreshment, the halo-halo, with other stuffs like red beans, macapuno, sweetened bananas and sweet potatoes, ube and leche flan. There are others stuffs that I forgot to mention but nata de coco is a mainstay maybe because of it’s unique taste and consistency. There have been a craze of this product in the past because it became a hit in Japan and exported in that country so many ventured on making nata de coco due to the high demand." Nata de coco, though similar in name, is infinitely better than its fellow-ferment and soundalike, natto.

It is quite interesting that coconut can be fermented into a chewy-candy like substance. I am addicted to the cellulosey nature of nata de coco. The Filipino Entrepreneur site, from which I obtained the nata-info, also contains several recipes on how to make it at home from shredded coconut and water. Of course, obtaining nata de coco culture is important. In middle school I tried to make tempeh from old tempeh and failed miserably, befouling the closet with a horrid miasma for a week. I have, however, made bread from letting dough sit around for a few days. That is what my father said people in China used to do because they were too poor to buy yeast. I have heard the same story from Russians and Latinos. I bet people in parts of the US do the same thing. I think that the first commercial yeasts were collected from bread that just sat around a collected yeast, so you're getting free yeast out of the deal. But yeast has no relation to nata de coco, which comes from cellulogenic bacteria.

The presence of nata gives an interesting texture to the jelly; sort of forming an ur-jelly that devolves outward into progressively less and less jelliness. Once I saw a meat product called brawn that reminds me of nata de coco jelly. It came in a jar, like mass-produced borscht. As I am vegetarian, I don't think I would be able to pass judgment on this item, but I assume that the pieces of meat floating inside bear a similar relation to the surrounding aspic, and must be equally as delightful to chewiness-obsessed carnivores. I would like to hear the experiences of those who have tried this product.

Forefather - Steadfast

2008-11-30T12:13:00.000-08:00

I'd been disappointed by the previous album I'd heard - Deep Into Time - which my friend lent to me a couple of years ago. At that time, Forefather sounded like a pile of doomy mush, and not in a good way.

With Steadfast, Forefather has shaped up into a band worthy of taking back England's title as a producer of decent metal. They have a very commercial sound that I could sort of describe as blackened atmospheric sophisticated power metal- like Sonata Arctica meets Enslaved, with the subject matter of the latter, and some well-used clean singing. I generally like less mainstream sounding stuff, but the concept of a band singing in Old and Middle English, as well as about Anglo-Saxon Heathenry, absolutely delights me.

Forefather's effectiveness lies in their catchiness. It's not cheesy like Manowar, but it has that epic quality to it, which is very appropriate for the subject matter. They have the "wizard and the beast" vocals (alternating clean tenor and growling) which I find so much more appealing than "beauty and the beast". Some highlights of the album include 'Cween of the Mark' (yes, cween is the correct medieval spelling), Hallowed Halls - yet another tune about Wælheall / Valhalla, Three Great Ships, and Miri It Is, the last of which is based on a 14th century (I believe?) ballad. I can't help but sing along to this album, and that's saying a lot for somebody who regularly listens to Darkthrone before 8 AM.

If you are looking for good music with a medieval or Pagan theme, catchy bang-your-head music with balls, ditch the Amon Amarth albums and pick up your copy of Steadfast.

4.5 / 5

Download, then buy it:

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=2QK56H3J

Thanksgiving (Vinlandic Freyfaxi) Recipes

2008-11-27T13:04:00.001-08:00

We have again come to this silly sacrifice-holiday where we give thanks to the Earth, the various gods and goddesses, the Native American cultures, and suchlike. It's a good day to give thanks to Frey, the god of agriculture. Of course, food is the central feature, no matter what your religion is.

I'm kicking it old school this year and showing you how to make main-course type items vegetarian.

Here it is:

Stuffing

1 loaf of rye or wheat bread, cubed
1/2 stick butter or Earth Balance

2 tbsp thyme

1 tbsp sage

1 tbsp tarragon

2 bay leaves
fresh garlic to taste

1 tsp garam masala

1 large onion

handful basil, fresh or dried

1 tbsp tomato paste

1/2 cup water

2 tbsp soy sauce

Salt to taste

Cotija, parmesan or nutritional yeast to taste

Saute thyme, garlic, tarragon, and bay leaves in butter. Add diced onion and cook until the onion is almost translucent. Add bread and saute until everything is browned and oily and good. Transfer everything to a large pot and add the tomato paste, water, and soy sauce which has been mixed together. Cook for around 15-20 minutes, then add basil, salt, and the cheesy item.

Tofu cutlets

This has been covered in an entry dated last January. Use the same tofu cutlet preparation as for 'Tofu Aurore'.

Gravy

Cut up some garlic, spring onions, and get thyme leaves. Saute everything in butter or olive oil. Stir flour into a little soy sauce until you get a nice paste, then mix in water or milk, a little at a time, until you have enough for the amount of gravy that you want to make. The ratio is usually 2 tbsp. flour to 1/2 cup gravy. Pour the liquid into your pan and stir until it's thickened. You can add a little nutritional yeast, but I do not believe this to be necessary.

Mashed Potatoes

There are many ways to make them. I generally use russet, and boil them whole. This prevents them from incorporating too much water as they boil. I also boil them in water with salt or Adobo added to it. I mash them with butter or margarine while adding a mix of scallions, salt and garlic, and milk is added at the point when the potatoes become stirrable with the amount of butter added.

Dip

2008-08-14T15:57:00.000-07:00

Like most other youths and party types, metalheads tend to enjoy dip.

Smoky Blood-Red Mexican Thrash Salsa

4 plum tomatoes

1/2 onion

1 bell pepper

6 cloves garlic

Cilantro, salt and pepper to taste
1/4 cup tomato puree

2 chipotles (substitute jalapenos if chipotles can't be found)

Half a lime

Cut up your vegetables into very, very small pieces, possibly with the aid of a mandoline or food processor. Take all of the garlic and chipotles and half of the tomatoes, onion and pepper and cook them with the tomato puree, salt and pepper for a while. Mix together the raw and cooked vegetable mixtures and squeeze half a lime into the end result.

"Heavy Metal in Baghdad" Hummus

Cooked chickpeas

First press, extra virgin olive oil (Trader Joe's surprisingly makes good stuff)

Salt

Pepper

Half a lemon

Tahini (you can substitute peanut butter)
Garlic (to taste)

Get out a large mortar and pestle and mash garlic, a clove at a time, into a small amount of olive oil and salt until it is emusified into a sort of mush. Set aside. Using a food processor or large mortar and pestle, puree your chickpeas and stir in the olive oil / garlic mixture. Stir in some tahini and squeeze in lemon. If it's too dry, put in more olive oil. Dig a small well on top of the hummus and put in a little olive oil and a sprig of parsley.

Where To Eat After A Show

2008-08-09T15:00:00.000-07:00

Among power metal kids, there's a tradition of going to the McDonald's across the street from B. B. King's. However, metalheads with taste generally want something a bit better - in terms of both music and food.

Lower Manhattan:

When you've attended a show in the Village, whether it be at Irving Plaza or a smaller venue, here are some good places to grab a bite:

1. 24 hour Food Emporium. Right next to Irving Plaza, this overpriced supermarket has some good stuff, such as birch beer. Chris, Dave and I chugged a 2 liter bottle of birch beer after seeing At the Gates.

2. Halal food stands around Midtown. The halal food stands around Times Square are a good option for when there is the rare decent black metal show at B. B. King's. These bastions of Islamic-fried tastiness include vegetarian options such as falafel, and are manned around the clock.

Western Queens:

There is a growing metal scene in Long Island city, centered around bands that growl in Spanish and perform at Metal Kingdom Records. Western Queens is also one of the best places to get food around the clock.

1. Queens Plaza Subway and Fried Chicken - This place is decently priced and serves Subway, fried chicken, salad, deli stuff, and breakfast foods around the clock. Their eggs on toast are phenomenal, they use real cheese, and their veggie burgers are surprisingly not vile. This place is right across from the Rawson 7 train station and mere steps from Metal Kingdom. It's also easily accessible from Manhattan.

2. Roti Boti - If you want Indian food at 3 in the morning after a night of brutal death metal, this is the place to go. Not only is it decently priced (around $15 to serve 3-4 people), it is also a high quality sit-down restaurant with classic dishes like chickpeas, okra curry, and chicken tikka masala. Just hop on the 7 train and head to 74th St. Jackson Heights.

3. There are also ubiquitous halal food stands in most of Queens.

4. Chinese / Mexican takeout places are frequently open late, and serve an inexpensive array of classic Chinese takeout dishes as well as fresh, vegetable-filled tacos and quesadillas resembling a utopian Taco Bell and miscellaneous items such as fried chicken, plantains, burgers and the like. They can be found all over NYC.

Chickpea balls for a night at the recording studio.

2008-07-16T20:51:00.001-07:00

1 cup dried TVP granules
1 1/4 cups boiling water
1/2 cup chickpea flour
1/4 cup all purpose flour
4 tbsp paprika
3 tbsp sage
pinch thyme
1 tbsp soy sauce
1/4 cup nutritional yeast (NOT brewer's yeast)
1 tbsp dill
1 tbsp salt
1 tbsp pepper
2 tbsp garlic powder
Chopped fresh parsley and scallions
Ginger might be good, but I didn't add any this time.

Put your TVP in the water and mix everything else together. When your TVP rehydrates, stir everything else in, spoonful by spoonful. Take spoonfuls, scrape them off your spoon, and fry.

Here I drink alone, and remember...

2008-06-23T11:26:00.000-07:00

Black Metal Rose
4 oz birch beer
4 oz milk or any milquey beverage
4 oz Jagermeister
Serve in a black-glass goblet.
If you put in vodka instead of Jager you get the infamous drink "Black Metal Princess" instead.

Prison-Style Wine
1 gallon water
2 lbs sugar
2 cans OJ concentrate
1 can apple juice concentrate
Turbo Yeast
Kool Aid Orange mix
Lemon juice to taste

First you boil together the water and sugar, then you let it cool down a bit and chuck in the juices and Kool Aid mix. Then, when it's all lukewarm, you put in some Turbo Yeast and pack your drink away into 2 L bottles, with the caps unscrewed just a little bit. Put your bottles in a corner, and make sure to crack the caps a bit each day to let air out. Your wine will be ready in 2 weeks because Turbo Yeast can theoretically go up to 20% alcohol if you let it run its course, so one week is not enough. Do not use normal wine yeast. If you want to actually be able to get drunk on this stuff, freeze it partially and take out the ice blocks.

De Mysteriis Dom Seitanas

2008-06-23T11:20:00.000-07:00

Seitan is a type of protein blob, similar to tofu. It is made from wheat, and I know that if I eat too much of it, it makes me crap my guts out. However, it is full of nutrients, tastes fairly good, and the one I make generates its own gravy.

10 oz. vital wheat gluten
5 oz. chickpea flour (the reason this recipe generates its own gravy)
3 tbsp nutritional yeast
3 tbsp soy sauce
3 tbsp liquid smoke
1 tsp oregano
1 tsp thyme leaves
1/2 tsp tarragon
1 tbsp brown sugar
pinch celery seed powder
salt... use your own judgment
1 tbsp garlic powder
bay leaf
10 oz. water
onions, water, carrots
4 oz. light olive oil

Mix all the liquids. Mix all the powders. Take powders and add them to the liquid, slowly stirring until everything is a gooey ball. Put water, salt, onions, a bay leaf, and carrots into a greased slow cooker with it for 4 hours on high.

Stoner Brook Blazes Red Hot

2008-05-01T12:58:00.000-07:00

As you all know, I am finishing up my sentence here at Stony Brook, which sucks. Stony Brook has now embarked upon a campaign for us to wear 'official Stony Brook merchandise' and is facilitating this by giving out free T-shirts. My friend and I were discussing this matter, and felt it would be better for them to give out free socks and underwear, because let's face it, nobody wants to wear a school shirt, and to wear one just shows that you can't afford anything else (i.e. metal shirts). So save the school spirit for our socks and boxers, because those dictate most college students' laundry plans.

Hot Topic Presents.... What The Hell?

2008-04-27T18:16:00.000-07:00

Gigantour isn't black metal related. However, whether due to peer pressure, an interest in mainstream metal, or a lack of things to do in suburbia, many black metal fans turn up at this tour every year, and make up a small contingent of dudes in Burzum shirts standing awkwardly amidst hordes of screaming high school students.

There's nothing wrong with black metal fans attending non-black metal shows: people are just trying to expand their musical palates and explore new things. But there is something highly disturbing about this year's Gigantour:

... it's sponsored by the abhorrent, technicolor bunghole of Abercrombie and Fitch Corporation, Hot Topic.

Even though In Flames, who are on this year's Gigantour, are of questionable loyalty to the metal scene, what the hell does an overpriced jean and T-shirt manufacturer catering to wealthy middle school students have to do with metal music of any sort?

Sure, "nu metal" and metalcore are somewhat part of the metal family, and deserve recognition for introducing 12 year olds to the electric guitar. But... Hot Topic doesn't even sell metal shirts. I've actually visited the store once, and it featured a large display of "Anime Rules" merchandise and Avril Lavigne wristbands. I would've thought that Hot Topic's main fan base, upper middle class grade schoolers, would eschew Megadeth for being "old people music".

Apparently, this match made in hell is representing metal today, and thousands of black metal fans across the nation are inadvertantly contributing to the onward spread of Snot Optics. Why, there's even a Hot Topic in staunchly working class and immigrant Queens, New York, the latest in an emofication campaign against the local native culture, which is hip hop. An 'urban' emo image has been engineered for the inner city, consisting of testicle-crushing trousers paired with classics such as the Afro haircut and tightly fitting hip hop styled clothing.

Likewise, Hot Topic has also encroached into the metal scene, marketing wannabe metal bands like Avenged Sevenfold as 'New American metal' and associating the metalhead image with that of testicle-crushing jeans, teased hair, and mascara. It's like the '80s, but worse- and good folk like Dave Mustaine, who resisted the first wave of this bullshit, are succumbing to its bastard child.

Discordia, Sacred Skull and Crucifixion at Metal Kingdom

2008-02-05T12:38:00.000-08:00

The day before school was about to start, me and my friend Dave went down to Metal Kingdom (read the article a couple of months back) to catch some local acts. Right before that, I purchased Tofurky, the soy-based poultry substitute, because it was on sale. Therefore, I was carrying my Tofurky. Luckily, Edwin (one of the Gnosis guys) let me store it in the closet.

An hour or so before the show started, we saw some thrash kids. They had tight pants, big hair, patchy jackets, and high top sneakers that were definitely left over from the '80s. No "retro chic" here- these guys must've just come out of a time capsule. One of them appeared to be no more than 14 years old, and must've been related to the thrash kids in some way or another. I think he was raised by thrash parents, because his hair was down to his ass already.

We met Denise, who was making a movie about Metal Kingdom. It was pretty cool that other rock journalist sorts were also around, but as the night drew on, Denise and her straight-laced film school friends began to adhere to one corner of the bar, away from the predominantly Latino crowd of leather-clad metal dudes. I remember sucking on a lot of limes because, well, they had limes.

We also met some metalheads. Duane was the most metal of them all, in a rather self-parodic way. His jacket was so encrusted in spikes, patches and suchlike, some of them random (a Dokken patch on a black metal fan? come on) and he responded joyously when I informed him that a Dark Funeral song he liked was about anal sex followed by oral sex. Later on, Duane and a very long haired Spanish hessian started a 2 person mosh pit, where the 5'3", 250 lb pair butted heads. Dave joined in for a moment and pushed them around.

Crucifixion were on first. They fell into the all-too-common category of fat guys in horrible corpsepaint playing decent raw BM. They played some songs in English and some in Spanish, emphasizing the bicultural feel of the whole show. I could swear that their makeup appeared to be watercolor or Magic Marker based.

The next band was Sacred Skull, a deathrash band consisting half of the thrashers in the audience. Thrash folk are an interesting, endangered tribe. Some intrepid soul needs to venture deep into thrasher country and record their curious way of life for posterity. The remaining tribesmen stood in front of the stage. They would form a circle, sing, run around in a sort of circle dance, windmill while clinging to the edge of the stage, and run around whilst carrying smaller conspecifics over their shoulders.

Sometime after that, I met Steve and Adam from the local band Sacristy. I checked them out, and they were pretty fucking good. Reminiscent of a thrashier Emperor, with flowing, epic interludes and absolutely no bullshit, Sacristy are one local band that deserve more recognition.

The evening's headliner was Discordia, an epic Mexican-American band with amazing drumming, a strong death metal influence, and rather strange vocals that alternated between a Gollumesque hiss and death metal growls. They remind me a bit of Dissection en Espanol.

It was an amazing night, though I was falling asleep because it ended around 4. Whether you're thrash, BM, DM, or just somebody looking for a good time, Metal Kingdom is the place to be.

Forest Brews

2008-01-14T21:00:00.000-08:00

It's not "gay" to drink tisanes and other nonalcoholic brews. In fact, members of manly cultures like the Vikings and Spartans probably drank them.

Mint Milk

Get 2 handfuls of fresh peppermint and a little lemon balm or lemongrass, lavender, and anise or regular hyssop. Add 1/2 cup of boiling water and put the lid on the container really quickly. Wait 5 minutes, then stir in some agave, honey, or any other sweetener. Put in 1 1/2 cups of cold milk or almond milk (soy's flavor is too strong) and serve to yourself and a friend. You can also make chamomile, fennel, linden, etc. milks.

Mugwort

Take as much fresh mugwort leaves as you have water, and also take sassafras/birch twigs, green tea or yerba mate, mint, and lemon rind for flavoring. You can use other strong flavored agents if you like, at least one being minty because mugwort has a horrible flavor that somehow compliments mint quite well. Boil the water, then put in mugwort and put the cover on the pot for 2-5 minutes while it boils. You should be able to smell the mugwort very strongly, it smells almost like mint, and that will let you know when to stop boiling, because you want to keep as much of the volatile oils as possible. Throw in your flavoring ingredients and sweetener and let it sit for a minute or so, then filter out the plant materials and drink the liquid. It's important to add gtea, because mugwort has a strangely invigorating effect on the mind that doesn't make you physically less tired, so it will make you feel like you are floating and a bit disconnected from your body if caffeine isn't present.

Brew for the flu

Citrus rinds
Thyme
Fresh spearmint
Selfheal leaves
Mulberry leaves
Chrysanthemum flowers (the edible kind)
Hyssop
A little honey and salt

This may seem like a ripoff of the anti-inflammatory Chinese patent medicine "Xiasangju", which consists of selfheal, mulberry, and chrysanthemum, but it has added ingredients to deal with all sorts of respiratory infections. Citrus and spearmint will help clear your sinuses while thyme and hyssop have antibacterial properties. In fact, thymol is an ingredient in Listerine. Salt is added because brine is good for sore throats.

More black metal recipes

2008-01-14T19:53:00.000-08:00

Tofu cutlets with Aurore sauce / Bloody Crusty Tofu

Smoked tofu or extra firm baked tofu
Egg whites, or ground flax mixed with a little water
Breadcrumbs, preferably homemade
Summer savory
Tarragon or Bell's Seasoning
Butter or olive oil
Flour
Oil
Tomato paste and a little basil, or Marinara sauce

Cut tofu into thin slices, roll it in whatever adhesive you're using, mix your breadcrumbs and spices, roll your tofu into breadcrumbs, dip it into more sticky stuff and more breadcrumbs.

Fry your tofu slices and set 'em aside. Heat up your butter or olive oil and add flour, bit by bit, until you get a nice light roux. Then add a little tomato paste. That's Aurore sauce. Pour it over your tofu. You can use this recipe in sandwiches or by itself.

Pink Beans En Croute or In A Coffin

Celery, carrots, onions, bell pepper, tomato paste partially cooked pink beans.
Flour, baking powder, butter or margarine. Egg or extra flour.
Thyme, cumin, coriander in small quantities

Cut up your celery, carrots, onions, and peppers, and saute them. Add some tomato paste, pink beans and spices, and boil until the beans are mushy and there is very little water left. Thicken with a little flour or an egg, and pour it into a pie crust that you made with flour, baking soda, a little salt, and butter or margarine. Put the top crust on and bake at 325-350 'till it's brown on top.

Variation: it's really cool to make this stuff in a bread pan, in which case it is called Pink Beans In A Coffin, but the pie-shaped version is better for portability. You can make Jamaican-type patties with this recipe as well.

Be Persecuted By Cabbage / Chinese Kim Chee

Cabbage (regular not Napa)
Dried jalapenos
Chinese peppercorns
Salt
Vinegar

Roll up and slice cabbage leaves and boil them. Soak them in a mixture of jalapenos, Chinese peppercorns, salt, and vinegar for a while, until the cabbage gets all spiced. You can either eat it as is or stir fry it with some tofu that has been pre-frozen. If you want to make it old school style, you can put in liquid from existing kim chee, a little sugar, and omit the vinegar. This recipe takes about a week.

Satanic Greensmaster

Collard or turnip greens
Salt
A few cloves garlic
Onion
Liquid smoke
Pinch cumin
Soy sauce
Vegetable stock
Steak sauce or BBQ sauce
Half a lime

Roll up your collards and slice them finely like you're slicing cucumber rounds or something. Saute some garlic and onions, then saute your greens. Put in stock, cumin, a little soy sauce, and a tiny bit of BBQ sauce. Keep boiling. When your greens are almost done, put in liquid smoke and squeeze half a lime into them.

Tupperware Ist Krieg

2008-01-09T21:38:00.000-08:00

Last night, my roommate stole all the Tupperware to store his supply of dead animals, and I was pretty damn pissed. Today, I found the Tupperware around, thoroughly scrubbed out all the carcass odor from them, and put the following foods in them:

Avant Black Metal Saute
Inspired by the completely random music of UnexpecT, a recipe from China, and the American flag.

Eggs or silken tofu (take your pick)
Tomatoes
A little onion
Blue corn tortillas
Curry powder
Liquid smoke (can you see where this is going?)
Parmesan (optional)
Thyme

Cook your eggs / tofu first, adding your thyme and curry, and set aside. Saute your onions and toss in some tomatoes. Set them aside as well. Cut your tortillas into strips and saute them as if you were cooking chow mein, and then mix everything together and give the whole muddle a big stir. Sprinkle on some Parmesan (if you are averse to dairy use almond meal which is delicious with this).

Green F**king Bananas

Peel some green bananas, saute them, then put in some water and cook 'em until they're mushy. They take a long time to cook, so I like to listen to some Catacombs or Make A Change... Kill Yourself while I'm in the kitchen. While they're boiling, I like to put in some frozen peas 'n' carrots and some diced onion. I put in a lot (like 5-6 tablespoons) of paprika and a pinch of oregano and it came out looking like the aftermath of a black metal concert and kicking poser ass. This is pretty good over grains, stuffed in a pita, or smeared over the carcasses of Cradle of Filth / Dark Funeral members.

Black Metal weather....

2008-01-07T19:11:00.000-08:00

... requires cooking that is fiery and filling enough to combat its icy chill. After work, my friend Dave and I went down to the horridly overpriced Bogopa supermarket in Bushwick, where I was dismayed to find that the price of lentils had gone up 30 cents.

Lentil Soup (for David)

1 part dry lentils (I prefer Goya because Jack Rabbit sucks ass.)
2 parts water
2 parts vegetable stock
2 tablespoons tomato paste
thyme
garlic
curry powder
liquid smoke (use a LOT, and add it at the end.)
soy sauce to taste
tortillas (to thicken- I use Brooklyn's own Buena Vista brand.)
dried chile peppers

You know what to do. Throw down the lentils, peppers, water, stock, tomato paste, thyme, curry and garlic. Boil until everything's mushy and stuff, and toss in some liquid smoke, soy sauce, and torn up tortillas.

Kudos to Anders for letting me "borrow" his spices.

Velvet Cacoon- Genevieve

2008-01-01T12:57:00.000-08:00

Everyone's been talking about Velvet Cacoon, but as soon as the last drony strains of "Bete Noir" left my ears, they had the same fate in my mind as did Blut Aus Nord. Yes, my friends, Velvet Cacoon are overrated.

There are, of course, good parts to this album. I like the nautical theme- it's very unusual for black metal, which tends more to focus on the woods. It's fuzzy and repetitive, like everything we listen to here at theABMkitchen, but there is such a thing as too fuzzy. Some of it just sounds like noise, and the whole album is horribly derivative, with some tracks having only one riff, and not a very good riff, either.

If the Cacoon were some unknown band in the backwoods of Saskatchewan or something, and this were their first album, recorded in a log cabin tucked within permafrost, I would've given it a higher rating, but for such a famous (er... infamous) band, I have to simply shake my head and tell my loyal readers not to shell out the cash.

What I Want For Yule

2007-12-14T10:29:00.000-08:00

CHICKEN PURSE!

Word Theft and Chthonic=The Republican Boyz

2007-12-05T10:34:00.000-08:00

It all started when some trendie started using the word "uber" to mean "cool", which led certain people with poor musical taste to use that word to mean "'goth' techno". The word "cool" itself is problematic enough without fake German messing it up.

What's worse is when English words get stolen, and you, the literate individual, become associated with the other meaning of that word. For example, coruscant, which means sparkling or shimmering. I would frequently use that word while speaking or writing, but apparently it is now some dingy Star Wars planet, which leads losers to believe that I view dimwitted, poorly produced Star Wars prequels on a regular basis.

Another is the word chthonic, which now refers to a cheesy gimmick band, made up of horrid Dimmu Borgirisms and one-sided views on Taiwanese politics. Somebody brought up these guys when I used the word "autochthonic" in a discussion about Native Americans. For those who think that such a band is "exotic" and "cool" because they not only listen to Dimmu Borgir, but believe that Taiwan and Japan are one large video game producing country and therefore "uber", think of it this way: what if there was a government sponsored boy band called "The Republican Boyz"? The only reason Chthonic are popular is because they are a teen-appeal propaganda group backed by the Taiwanese government, which has some type of nuclear alliance with the U.S. government. So if you listen to Chthonic, you are, in effect, listening to "The Republican Boyz".

Time To Kill Yourself Again: MACKY part II

2007-12-04T13:36:00.000-08:00

Make A Change... Kill Yourself make some kick ass DSBM to mope to, and now they're back with a second album, simply titled II. The title is indicative not only of its place in the band's catalog, but also of the number of tracks on the album.

What makes these guys different is not only that they're Danish, but that their stuff is well produced. Well produced raw black metal is actually amazing when you it's raw and BMish enough. Their vocals are decent, too. It actually sounds like the lead singer is getting hurt, instead of just trying to be a tough guy (ahem... Dark Funeral). He doesn't sound like he's straining on the toilet, either.

The music is so fucking good. The clean production goes well with the actual creative and pretty use of melodic clean guitars on "Life Revisited" and the strange, almost triangle wave-ish guitar tone on "Fooling The Weak". It's all in the service of darkness, rather than cheese. Sludgy, bleak and awesome are key words for this album, which will appeal to doom metal fans as well as the usual minimalistic black metal suspects.

The first track, Life Revisited, is about how the guy is killing himself in a tub. He describes his blood, "flowing so uniquely down the sides of the tub" before even mentioning any cliches like "eternal darkness" (Nattetale 9-10). I just love how he mentioned the tub. I mean, it's sad that he's killing himself, but who else does that?

If you want to mope to some quality music, I suggest that you acquire this album.

A Clean Metalhead is a True Metalhead: The Soap Issue

2007-12-02T14:09:00.001-08:00

I worked as a flyer distributor for a small-time chiropractor for one weekend, where I made enough money for a show, an album, and a meal. I was also given large quantities of Cetaphil, which, as you may know, is a bar soap. I have a deep seated belief that bar soap causes bacterial growth, so I usually do not buy it.

Here's what I did:
Get some soft soap like Cetaphil, put it on a sheet of paper, and chop it up with a plastic knife. If you have hard soap, carve it into a whimsical soapstone sculpture and save the leftover bits. Chop it again, until everything is nice and powdery. Fold the sheet of paper down the middle, into a point, and dump the powder into a soap pump, then fill the soap pump halfway to three quarters of the way with water. Stir it up with a long object that reaches up to the bottom, and stir frequently, because you will get bits at the bottom.
Wash yourself.

For Those Who Can't Get Laid

2007-11-27T21:47:00.000-08:00

The Twelfth Spirit (of the Goetia you n00bs) is Sitri. He is a Great Prince and appeareth at first with a Leopard's head and the Wings of a Gryphon, but after the command of the Master of the Exorcism he putteth on Human shape, and that very beautiful. He enflameth men with Women's love, and Women with Men's love; and causeth them also to show themselves naked if it be desired. He governeth 60 Legions of Spirits. His Seal is this, to be worn as a Lamen before thee, etc.

Tempeh: The Insulation Material of your Diet

2007-11-26T14:32:00.000-08:00

With its grainy, bumpy texture, tempeh looks like architectural insulation. It also bears that fresh-house smell, but that can be fixed with a little pineapple. Like spurious foam padding, it also contains many vitamins and minerals essential to the health of cave-dwelling black metal eremitics. It can also be produced in caves.

Tempeh 'n' Pineapples

A package of tempeh

Pineapples in syrup

Soy sauce or mole sauce

Garlic

Thyme or any other herb

First you cut up the tempeh into cubes. Then you fry it 'til its crispy and brown. Then you cut up some garlic and stir fry it with a little thyme. You dilute the whole thing either with soy sauce and water or with mole sauce and water. Add your pineapple bits, syrup, and tempeh bits, and turn down the heat. Cook everything until most of the gravy sticks to the tempeh.

Why I Dislike Dark Funeral

2007-11-25T13:26:00.000-08:00

These guys are the epitome of cheese and why people think that black metal consists of idiots. Although their corpsepaint application is superb, we all know that image is nothing, and thirst is everything. I don't 'thirst' for Dark Funeral's generic brand of 'music'. When I want straight-up black metal goodness, I reach for the Averse Sefira or Satanic Warmaster album that is invariably jutting from the pile-o-shit in my apartment.

First of all, the name Dark Funeral is horrid. Granted, Satanic Warmaster is worse, but who swindles more teens? That's right, our favorite Swedish butt pirates. Anally-obsessed is correct, for look at the lyrics to one of their most beloved songs:

Atrum Regina

My nocturnal queen,
Infernal, earthly and divine.
There on your knees,
My beloved concubine.
You look deep into my eyes,
As your mouth opens wide.
Lips moves up and down,
Soon in demon seed you'll drown.
Now close your eyes my love.
Drink my essence, and forever you'll be mine.
Atrum Regina, my nocturnal queen.
Atrum Regina, you fulfil me.
Now rise in front of me,
Oh how I wish to enter thee,
Of lust overwhelmed.
Is this a dream, or is this real.
Now bend down,
Feel my claws runs up your back.
As I enter thee, with full force from behind.
Feel how the demon seed, ejaculate inside.
Goddess of my dreams, my beloved concubine.
Atrum Regina, my nocturnal queen. You fulfil me, Atrum Regina.

What the hell? How is the combined act of oral and anal sex black metal? These kinds of lyrics belong in reggaeton or Cradle of Filth, not metal. I can just imagine these lyrics translated into Spanish, mixed with a fake dancehall beat, Dani Filth, and some naked Gothic chick shaking her butt BET style. Even Cradle of Filth have better lyrics. Nokturnal Mortum's lyrics may be unintelligible and anti-Semitic, but at least they don't boast about "drowning" chicks in their "seed". Somebody thinks highly of himself.

They didn't decline ater correctly, either. It's supposed to be 'atra regina'. Atrum is neuter, but that probably makes sense because, as Paul said, Emperor Caligula, just like his sodomy-loving namesake, only cares about her pooter.

Triskèle - Les Murmures de la Forêt

2007-11-16T16:39:00.000-08:00

I first heard of these guys back at the warehouse, where there was a large Triskèle sticker on the cabinetry, but I didn't get to check out their stuff until now. This album is pretty fucking cool. It was actually recorded in a forest, which makes it extra grim and necro, and I borrowed it from my boyfriend, which makes me a borrowed black T shirt and random metal album scene girlfriend. I had to rip this onto my computer first instead of playing it from CD, because my computer's CD playing "quality" has the power of turning Mozart into raw noisecore and good, raw black metal into toilet flushing noises.

The first track was pretty and atmospheric without being floofy and Alcest-like. Then comes craploads of black, raw, dark sludgy goodness. Each track fit its title: "Ombres" was shadowy and murky, "Révérence" was, well, reverent sounding, an ode to the darkness and grimness of the forest. This album is raw enough that keyboards actually fit into the intense, organic space without overwhelming it with horrible video game fromage. I like how it ends. The Finale consists of horns, playing a Star Trek-sounding theme that is oddly enough not tacky. I normally, like the residents of South Park, blame Canada for my woes, but Triskèle are exempt from the US - Canada rivalry inside my head.

Metal Kingdom Records: Home of the Taxidermied Raccoon and Bakelite Armadillo

2007-11-12T19:15:00.001-08:00

Today as I was listening to Grand Belial's Key, I remembered where I had first heard of these highly offensive, body fluid obsessed anti-Semites. It was at that legendary Queens hole-in-the-wall, Metal Kingdom Records, where Maya passed me a GBK sticker, exhorting me to check them out.

I had been living in Queens at the time, and didn't have anything to do after work. So I took a co-worker's advice and visited this joint. Apparently, Destroyer 666 had played there a couple of times. It's near the on-ramp of a bridge, right next to the "LoveShack" porn shop (so that one can bang one's head as well as get banged). The first floor is empty, and its window is filled with cheesy '80s metal posters. You have to ring a bell to get one of the basement's resident Latino black metal kids to open the door.

The stairwell was filled with empty Corona bottles and random metal posters. There'a small CD section, packed with everything from Symphony X and Vintersorg to NSBM and hair bands from 3rd world countries. Pretty much all the magazines they sell are outdated. They also sell gothic space boots, Satanic jewelry, and funky colored rubber spike bracelets. There is usually nobody in the store except for a member of the local band Gnosis, which runs the place collectively. They started having shows there again after a long hiatus, and I might be going to one on Saturday.

Some cool things about this store are the buttons they make out of magazine clippings, their taxidermied raccoon and bakelite armadillo, their random Party City type decor, and the coolness of the Gnosis guys, even if they don't understand English very well. I got a styrofoam gravestone and a Nevermore button, and petted the realistic-looking raccoon.

Metal Kingdom Records is located at 31-17 Queens Boulevard, Long Island City NY 11101 , and apparently you have to be a member to go to shows, which is very strange.

Happy Happy Friday

2007-11-02T09:49:00.000-07:00

Euronymous: First Wave of Metrosexual Hobbit Black Metal

WTF?

For Black Metal, Every Day Is Halloween

2007-10-31T09:54:00.000-07:00

Rob Darken, head backdoor boy of cosplay

Feel the eldritch, homophiliac power of the Jheri Curl

Mmmm... fresh poseurs

Heh, I know that this is a cheap rip off of Ruthless Reviews' Top 10 but I'm too busy planning ways to wreak havoc upon my school.

Brewing with Daylight Dies; Dark Chocolate Ist Krieg

2007-10-30T17:55:00.000-07:00

The fabulously doomy fellows of Daylight Dies show us how to make beer and merriment in this entertaining clip...

However, I am sitting on my butt eating dark chocolate that matches the dark abysses of my black metal soul. Many neophytes have been misinformed on this matter by the demiurge known as Godiva. Godiva is overpriced and certainly not "all that", although I have been known to go there for free samples. Many others have been turned away from the dark side by the low quality dark chocolate posers marched forth in great numbers by false kings like Hershey, Russel Stover, and the random stuff you find in dollar stores. But I am here to show you the light! (err... darkness!)

1. Valrhona
This chocolate kicks ass. My favorite is their Orange Noire because it combines 2 flavors that I love, chocolate and oranges. Valrhona especially makes a good orange-flavored chocolate because the actual chocolate flavor is already fruity. They make baking chocolate. I actually eat their baking chocolate without it being in anything else. They also own chocolate farms, which issue forth single origin chocolates. Now there's an interesting idea.

2. Green and Black's
This is a brand that I see in hipster stores. It's organic and it actually tastes pretty good. It's not super special but it's solid and usually comes in the familiar candy bar format. I like that it's fair trade, so I'm helping to give a little extra to someone who works in a chocolate factory (perhaps to buy metal albums or instruments).

3. Dagoba
Star Wars jokes aside, here's another interesting new age type company. I'm going to say the same about this company's environmental concerns as I said about the aforementioned one. I like that they make super dark chocolates, 87% and 100%, and that they have some interesting flavors like rosemary and chili pepper.

Ludicra is not the female version of Ludacris

2007-10-29T14:23:00.000-07:00

... which is what some ignorants around here seem to believe. I got Fex Urbis Lex Orbis the other day, and it's pretty decent- not amazingly so, but a good listen. Let's just say that they're not like Emperor. They're sludgy, mid-tempo, post-thrashy, straight-forward metal with blackened vocals, straight up rock drumming and bits of depressive '90s alternative metal detritus thrown in (like the synth'd up vocals in "Collapse"). They're not exactly black metal (there's soloing!), but I don't see what else you could call them. There's a very Nevermore, Zero Hour, At the Gates vibe (but with different vocals) to their music- '90s influenced, nonchalant, urban, hard-nosed, and bluesy in a modern non-rap ghetto way. This is cliched to say, but Laurie's vocals remind me a bit of Angela Gossow's. And I'm not saying that in an ignorant way- because Zdenka from Estuary sounds completely different. Overall: above-average and relatively fresh stuff.

go get it

Asunder- A Clarion Call and The Big Munchie Post

2007-10-25T17:10:00.000-07:00

I guess it's logical to follow up on my Weakling review with an Asunder review. I'm going retro here and listening to their first full length, A Clarion Call, which is a delicious, relaxed, plodding sludgy doom metal EP full of dark (but somehow not depressing) goodness. It consists of 4 songs: Twilight Amaranthine, Crown of Eyes, A Clarion Call, and a random untitled track. Although it's in a completely different genre, somehow this album (I think it's the guitar tone) reminds me of Fates Warning's A Pleasant Shade of Gray. There's that same well-produced, melodic yet brooding feeling to it. I love the metaphysical day cycle theme of the lyrics- sunset, nighttime, and dawn as a metaphor for spirituality.

I like to eat while listening to metal (even the band Anorexia Nervosa). To keep up on the "kitchen" aspect of this blog, I'll post some recipes that are popular in my neck of the woods.

Matt's Guacamole

Avocadoes, tomatoes, onions (whatever you have), a little cilantro, a little lime, olive oil, and salt. Cut everything up and serve with whatever.

Barry's Baked Tofu

Slice or cube a block of firm tofu. Mix 1/4 cup of your favorite sweetener (Barry uses honey) and 1/4 cup soy sauce. Add cinnamon, nutmeg, cloves, and whatever other sweet spices you have. Bake 40 minutes at 350.

Kitty's Wet Cement

Fry up a little chopped onion, a little garlic, and about a tablespoon each of coriander and cumin. Add a couple of bay leaves and equal parts of cheap greyish lentils and water, keep boiling and stirring until all the water is absorbed. Add more water. Keep boiling. Keep stirring until the whole morass resembles wet cement or some type of thick industrial slurry. Add salt and pepper to taste. Eat.

Weakling- Dead As Dreams

2007-10-23T17:49:00.000-07:00

Take Darkthrone, Shape of Despair, Sunn O))), Burzum, early Emperor, the scary parts of early Tangerine Dream, vocals that are an indecipherable cri du coeur, the omnipresent extended technique rumble of intentional bass feedback, and the shadows of clouds floating over the Californian sky. Shake until you get a blend of mid-tempo pure darkness interspersed with bits of shimmering atmospheric beauty where everything just clicks. That's Dead as Dreams, this San Francisco band's first and only release.

With songs ranging from 14 to more than 20 minutes long, your typical mainstream metalhead is wont to draw comparisons to Opeth. Just... no. I listen to Opeth at times, but Weakling is to Opeth as "Threnody for the Victims of Hiroshima" is to "Appalachian Spring". But hey, Copland and Penderecki are both 20th century composers.

I love Weakling's song titles- instead of prog metal nonsense like "A Thinking Man's Modern Galactic Sonata in C# Mixolydian Pentatonic" (attention proggies: it's metal not jazz) or black metal Satanic Viking Tree Nazi cheese, they have meaningful titles like "No One Can Be Called A Man While He'll Die" and "Cut Their Grain and Place Fire Within". As an added bonus, the keyboards actually add to how good this album is, rather than destroying its value altogether, Dimmu Borgir style.

For me, Dead as Dreams evokes the turbulent, passionate, swirling grayness at the edge of the world. There's definitely a martial theme, but there's also the sense of utter transmigratory hopelessness, conveyed by the songs' minimalist organization and never-resolving dissonance. It's like Norse eschatology- the wolf eats the world, and the whole horribleness starts over again. Over and over.

go fetch.

Knjaz Varggoth is Fugly

2007-10-22T21:06:00.000-07:00

Nokturnal Mortum: great, beautiful, amazing ethnic metal marred by Hitler nonsense, questionable looking lead singer. No amount of poorly-applied corpse paint and horrible Ren-faire garb can obscure the fact that Varggoth is probably the ugliest man on the planet.

My friend Paul retaliated by saying that everyone in BM is ugly. Anyone with more than superficial knowledge of the genre knows that Ihsahn was a heartthrob in the early '90s. Even Gaahl is decent looking without his makeup. I would definitely go lesbian for Gallhammer (even though their music is terribly derivative), and Varg is merely a cute geek.

How to Keep Patches from Falling Off in the Pit

2007-10-22T12:11:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: Don't be the guy above.

I don't care if it has iron-on stuff on the back. You don't iron patches on if you want them to stay. You sew them (which is manlier anyway). And the grimmest, most necro stitch for this purpose is the almightly overhand stitch.

Like the rainbow Bifrost that connects Midgard and the realm of the gods, this mighty stitch connects your precious metal badge to the warrior denim, leather, or corduroy of your jacket. Some guy at a show I went to had an awesome Burzum patch on his disgusting grey sweats. That is beyond disrespectful. Don't be him.

First things first.

Sewing tips for noobs:

1. Your basic warchest must include a strong Excalibur-like needle, thick black cotton thread, a thimble of the mightiest steel, and a needle threader.
2. Do not make a knot at the end of your thread. Instead, leave a little hanging when you pull the needle through, and stitch over the stitch you made.
3. If you are sewing a large back patch, safety pins are krieg.
4. Make small stitches, and sew over previous stitches (see tip 2) periodically. You want the patch to be etched into the memory of the jacket for all eternity.
5. Finish with (step 2).
6. Make sure to cut the thread very close to the fabric.

Now you are ready to adorn your warrior gear.

This patch is sewn very well on my ... corduroy blazer.

The Seattle Conspiracy at Stony Brook

2007-10-22T11:43:00.000-07:00

Stony Brook University is as far geographically from the Emerald City as you can get, but Seattle is conspiring to take us over. I don't know why this is happening, but it is.

Exhibit A.

Our school's dining hall coffee has been switched from Ritazza to Seattle's Best. Coincidence? I think not. I've always thought that Seattle's best coffee was Starbucks. They should have Cafe Bustelo instead, now that's good brew.

Exhibit B.

I saw several University of Washington flyers up on the bulletin board in the music building alongside sperm donor ads. Several. Most schools, including medical schools, put up only one ad. They are trying to steal our students.

Exhibit C.

All of a sudden, everyone metal here is listening to Agalloch. This coincides with Don's recent move to Seattle.

Exhibit D.

Biodiesel school buses. Need I say more?

So, my fellow Stony Brookians... be true to your Long Island roots... and be aware of the Seattle Conspiracy.

Heavy Metal Laundry Tips

2007-10-21T19:34:00.000-07:00

by a good friend of mine, Scott Truemetalradio Maxwell

"A friend of mine, a true headbanger of triumphant steel and fellow traveller on the quest of destiny through the vale of evermore (we shall call him "Tim"), once asked me, "Scott, how do you get your metal shirts to stay so black?"

What Tim had astutely observed was that my metal kit maintains its abyssic darkness, despite the scores of metal concerts I have attended where I have moshed, headbanged, sweated, had beer and other substance spilled on me, and in general soiled my shirts in every manner possible, and despite hundreds of hours of agitated hydromatic abuse to purge them of these effects. Years of heavy metal mayhem have not cast the pale light of hope on my wardrobe of doom.

You know what I'm talking about - the guys whose ultra-vintage Slayer shirts are now grey dishrags where the print is barely discernible. At a distance, they might as well be wearing the same wolf shirts and ancient NASCAR merch as their bucktoothed brethren.

But for you, the truly elite metalheads, I am here to bestow the darkest secrets of Laundromancy upon thee. I have consulted tomes of ancient wisdom (i.e., I asked my mom) in preparing this guide. May it serve you well... in darkness:

1) WOOLITE IST KRIEG. Your precious metal shirts are meant to be handwashed, so as to preserve the ink prints and the integrity of the fabric. Woolite is expensive, but it is an investment in your metal cred. In recent years, WOOLITE DARK has been introduced, formulated for dark clothes exclusively. USE IT! Immortal would endorse no less.

2) COLD WASH ONLY. Allow your clothes to soak in waters as cold as the rivers of Blashyrkh itself, without agitation. HAND WASH, or use the "hand washables" cycle on your washing machine. Your precious metal shirts get enough violent agitation when you're wearing them in the mosh pit.

3) NEVER USE FABRIC SOFTENER ON METAL SHIRTS. "Softener" on a metal shirt? Are you kidding? Does the Snuggle bear really look like he knows the difference between Iron Maiden and Iron Angel? Not only should true metalheads welcome and relish Unsoftness, but fabric softener works by expanding the fibers of the fabric, thereby subjecting your battle armor to undue wear and tear. There's time for that later.

4) AIR DRY ONLY. Dryers are false metal. The cold north winds will serve you well. But keep them out of the sun's rays! The sun, as always, is the enemy of darkness.

In conclusion, I would like to address the concerns of those who proudly remark that laundry, showering, and other matters of personal hygiene are NOT "heavy metal." Well, right on, brother, that's hilarious, but will you still be laughing when you die a virgin?"

Wolves in the Throne Room...

2007-10-20T16:46:00.000-07:00

It was a cold and rainy day, similar to many in the black metal meccas of Northern Europe and the Pacific Northwest....

I went to see these guys last night at this joint called Death by Audio, which is an illegally operated space formerly occupied by some subset of the NYC DOT. Its illegality was evidenced by the fact that the promoter intermittently told large groups of loitering metalheads (but not hipsters) to scram. I guess I look 'hip' enough so he only told me to scram when I was hanging out with more "metal looking" people. I hung out with some locals, offered to help random bands move their stuff, and looked at Moog keyboards and Sunn amps at the local music shop until I went in to witness some cheesy techno-rock band ply their repetitive wares.

My friend Serge was there with his little math teacher. We went out, sat on some steps, and made up horrible black metal songs about ducks.

Somehow I made it to the front row when Wolves were playing. They played the middle 3 songs off of Diadem, which was absolutely fabulous because that is an amazing album. We were right behind the 2nd guitarist Rick, and the drummer (who wore a feather in his cap) was just going spastic. It was incredible that he only had 1 bass drum. Their equipment wasn't fancy at all- regular guitars, no bass, shitty drums, and the generic Korg that had been on stage since the beginning of the show. None of them had any musical training. They just played by ear, channeling the wild spirits of black metal and the woods and nature and all that jazz. Being too poor for special effects, they sounded just like they did on the album- which is good, unlike many of even the overproduced BM bands out there.

So me and Serge got sick of the place and went to find a bodega to get quarter water and pineapple sodas. Later that evening, a group of wandering NSBM kids professed to me their love for ghettofied soda and invited me for a drink, which I declined in favor of hanging out and helping the Wolves move their random boxes of stuff. I asked them about the NSBM thing and it turns out that they weren't racist (one was hitting on me!), but proud of their roots. I didn't see what was so Hitler-approved about the Polish culture (which they came from), but whatever floats your boat.

I was supposed to interview the Wolves for my ethnomusicology project, but they were too tired and couldn't think straight. Nathan told me to touch his shirt and it was quite, quite moist. After every falling-apart box and sack was tucked into the van, we squeezed into the malfunctioning vehicle and started dashing madly westward. I was dropped off in a random part of Manhattan and eventually made my way to the train station. And now I'm here on Long Island, typing away on my malfunctioning laptop.

A few notes about the Wolves:

They are the sweetest, most adorable bunch of bohemian boys. Aaron goes absolutely crazy on stage with his falling-apart drum set. Nerds and Burzum fans love them. They don't live in a hut in the woods, but on a normal small town organic farm. Nathan runs an all-ages club. They aren't involved with any type of black metal craziness and they dress like normal people and shop at Goodwill, et al. They eat random band chow and their roadie reminds me of Napoleon Dynamite. Carnegie Mellon kids are so lucky that this wonderful band actually went to their school. My school got fucking Kanye West.

Microwave Pasta and Xasthur- Subliminal Genocide

2007-10-17T17:00:00.001-07:00

Xasthur puts out the bleakest, most beautiful beautiful deconstructed noise for the end of the world. Subliminal Genocide is no different. Darkly glimmering weave themselves into the dense, buzzing texture of guitars and ferocious, ametrical drumming, creating that dimly lit sonic space that is (to people like me) pure love. LOL.

Xasthur doesn't need bandmates to create haunting and amazing music, and I need neither a pot nor a stove to cook pasta. I took an old pasta jar sauce, filled it up with water and pasta, and microwaved it for 2 minutes. I sprinkled in some salt and screwed the top back on, and waited for around 20 minutes or so, enough time to watch a few metal videos on Youtube.

My pasta came out just right, and those rabid environmentalists Wolves in the Throne Room (whom I will go see this Friday) would certainly approve.

Go listen.