For Those Who Can't Get Laid

The Twelfth Spirit (of the Goetia you n00bs) is Sitri. He is a Great Prince and appeareth at first with a Leopard's head and the Wings of a Gryphon, but after the command of the Master of the Exorcism he putteth on Human shape, and that very beautiful. He enflameth men with Women's love, and Women with Men's love; and causeth them also to show themselves naked if it be desired. He governeth 60 Legions of Spirits. His Seal is this, to be worn as a Lamen before thee, etc.

Tempeh: The Insulation Material of your Diet

With its grainy, bumpy texture, tempeh looks like architectural insulation. It also bears that fresh-house smell, but that can be fixed with a little pineapple. Like spurious foam padding, it also contains many vitamins and minerals essential to the health of cave-dwelling black metal eremitics. It can also be produced in caves.

Tempeh 'n' Pineapples

A package of tempeh

Pineapples in syrup

Soy sauce or mole sauce

Garlic

Thyme or any other herb

First you cut up the tempeh into cubes. Then you fry it 'til its crispy and brown. Then you cut up some garlic and stir fry it with a little thyme. You dilute the whole thing either with soy sauce and water or with mole sauce and water. Add your pineapple bits, syrup, and tempeh bits, and turn down the heat. Cook everything until most of the gravy sticks to the tempeh.

Why I Dislike Dark Funeral

These guys are the epitome of cheese and why people think that black metal consists of idiots. Although their corpsepaint application is superb, we all know that image is nothing, and thirst is everything. I don't 'thirst' for Dark Funeral's generic brand of 'music'. When I want straight-up black metal goodness, I reach for the Averse Sefira or Satanic Warmaster album that is invariably jutting from the pile-o-shit in my apartment.

First of all, the name Dark Funeral is horrid. Granted, Satanic Warmaster is worse, but who swindles more teens? That's right, our favorite Swedish butt pirates. Anally-obsessed is correct, for look at the lyrics to one of their most beloved songs:

Atrum Regina

My nocturnal queen,
Infernal, earthly and divine.
There on your knees,
My beloved concubine.
You look deep into my eyes,
As your mouth opens wide.
Lips moves up and down,
Soon in demon seed you'll drown.
Now close your eyes my love.
Drink my essence, and forever you'll be mine.
Atrum Regina, my nocturnal queen.
Atrum Regina, you fulfil me.
Now rise in front of me,
Oh how I wish to enter thee,
Of lust overwhelmed.
Is this a dream, or is this real.
Now bend down,
Feel my claws runs up your back.
As I enter thee, with full force from behind.
Feel how the demon seed, ejaculate inside.
Goddess of my dreams, my beloved concubine.
Atrum Regina, my nocturnal queen. You fulfil me, Atrum Regina.

What the hell? How is the combined act of oral and anal sex black metal? These kinds of lyrics belong in reggaeton or Cradle of Filth, not metal. I can just imagine these lyrics translated into Spanish, mixed with a fake dancehall beat, Dani Filth, and some naked Gothic chick shaking her butt BET style. Even Cradle of Filth have better lyrics. Nokturnal Mortum's lyrics may be unintelligible and anti-Semitic, but at least they don't boast about "drowning" chicks in their "seed". Somebody thinks highly of himself.

They didn't decline ater correctly, either. It's supposed to be 'atra regina'. Atrum is neuter, but that probably makes sense because, as Paul said, Emperor Caligula, just like his sodomy-loving namesake, only cares about her pooter.

Triskèle - Les Murmures de la Forêt

I first heard of these guys back at the warehouse, where there was a large Triskèle sticker on the cabinetry, but I didn't get to check out their stuff until now. This album is pretty fucking cool. It was actually recorded in a forest, which makes it extra grim and necro, and I borrowed it from my boyfriend, which makes me a borrowed black T shirt and random metal album scene girlfriend. I had to rip this onto my computer first instead of playing it from CD, because my computer's CD playing "quality" has the power of turning Mozart into raw noisecore and good, raw black metal into toilet flushing noises.




The first track was pretty and atmospheric without being floofy and Alcest-like. Then comes craploads of black, raw, dark sludgy goodness. Each track fit its title: "Ombres" was shadowy and murky, "Révérence" was, well, reverent sounding, an ode to the darkness and grimness of the forest. This album is raw enough that keyboards actually fit into the intense, organic space without overwhelming it with horrible video game fromage. I like how it ends. The Finale consists of horns, playing a Star Trek-sounding theme that is oddly enough not tacky. I normally, like the residents of South Park, blame Canada for my woes, but Triskèle are exempt from the US - Canada rivalry inside my head.

Metal Kingdom Records: Home of the Taxidermied Raccoon and Bakelite Armadillo

Today as I was listening to Grand Belial's Key, I remembered where I had first heard of these highly offensive, body fluid obsessed anti-Semites. It was at that legendary Queens hole-in-the-wall, Metal Kingdom Records, where Maya passed me a GBK sticker, exhorting me to check them out.

I had been living in Queens at the time, and didn't have anything to do after work. So I took a co-worker's advice and visited this joint. Apparently, Destroyer 666 had played there a couple of times. It's near the on-ramp of a bridge, right next to the "LoveShack" porn shop (so that one can bang one's head as well as get banged). The first floor is empty, and its window is filled with cheesy '80s metal posters. You have to ring a bell to get one of the basement's resident Latino black metal kids to open the door.

The stairwell was filled with empty Corona bottles and random metal posters. There'a small CD section, packed with everything from Symphony X and Vintersorg to NSBM and hair bands from 3rd world countries. Pretty much all the magazines they sell are outdated. They also sell gothic space boots, Satanic jewelry, and funky colored rubber spike bracelets. There is usually nobody in the store except for a member of the local band Gnosis, which runs the place collectively. They started having shows there again after a long hiatus, and I might be going to one on Saturday.

Some cool things about this store are the buttons they make out of magazine clippings, their taxidermied raccoon and bakelite armadillo, their random Party City type decor, and the coolness of the Gnosis guys, even if they don't understand English very well. I got a styrofoam gravestone and a Nevermore button, and petted the realistic-looking raccoon.

Metal Kingdom Records is located at 31-17 Queens Boulevard, Long Island City NY 11101 , and apparently you have to be a member to go to shows, which is very strange.

Happy Happy Friday

Euronymous: First Wave of Metrosexual Hobbit Black Metal


WTF?