For Black Metal, Every Day Is Halloween

Rob Darken, head backdoor boy of cosplay



Feel the eldritch, homophiliac power of the Jheri Curl



Mmmm... fresh poseurs



Heh, I know that this is a cheap rip off of Ruthless Reviews' Top 10 but I'm too busy planning ways to wreak havoc upon my school.

Brewing with Daylight Dies; Dark Chocolate Ist Krieg

The fabulously doomy fellows of Daylight Dies show us how to make beer and merriment in this entertaining clip...

However, I am sitting on my butt eating dark chocolate that matches the dark abysses of my black metal soul. Many neophytes have been misinformed on this matter by the demiurge known as Godiva. Godiva is overpriced and certainly not "all that", although I have been known to go there for free samples. Many others have been turned away from the dark side by the low quality dark chocolate posers marched forth in great numbers by false kings like Hershey, Russel Stover, and the random stuff you find in dollar stores. But I am here to show you the light! (err... darkness!)


1. Valrhona
This chocolate kicks ass. My favorite is their Orange Noire because it combines 2 flavors that I love, chocolate and oranges. Valrhona especially makes a good orange-flavored chocolate because the actual chocolate flavor is already fruity. They make baking chocolate. I actually eat their baking chocolate without it being in anything else. They also own chocolate farms, which issue forth single origin chocolates. Now there's an interesting idea.


2. Green and Black's
This is a brand that I see in hipster stores. It's organic and it actually tastes pretty good. It's not super special but it's solid and usually comes in the familiar candy bar format. I like that it's fair trade, so I'm helping to give a little extra to someone who works in a chocolate factory (perhaps to buy metal albums or instruments).


3. Dagoba
Star Wars jokes aside, here's another interesting new age type company. I'm going to say the same about this company's environmental concerns as I said about the aforementioned one. I like that they make super dark chocolates, 87% and 100%, and that they have some interesting flavors like rosemary and chili pepper.

Ludicra is not the female version of Ludacris

... which is what some ignorants around here seem to believe. I got Fex Urbis Lex Orbis the other day, and it's pretty decent- not amazingly so, but a good listen. Let's just say that they're not like Emperor. They're sludgy, mid-tempo, post-thrashy, straight-forward metal with blackened vocals, straight up rock drumming and bits of depressive '90s alternative metal detritus thrown in (like the synth'd up vocals in "Collapse"). They're not exactly black metal (there's soloing!), but I don't see what else you could call them. There's a very Nevermore, Zero Hour, At the Gates vibe (but with different vocals) to their music- '90s influenced, nonchalant, urban, hard-nosed, and bluesy in a modern non-rap ghetto way. This is cliched to say, but Laurie's vocals remind me a bit of Angela Gossow's. And I'm not saying that in an ignorant way- because Zdenka from Estuary sounds completely different. Overall: above-average and relatively fresh stuff.

go get it

Asunder- A Clarion Call and The Big Munchie Post

I guess it's logical to follow up on my Weakling review with an Asunder review. I'm going retro here and listening to their first full length, A Clarion Call, which is a delicious, relaxed, plodding sludgy doom metal EP full of dark (but somehow not depressing) goodness. It consists of 4 songs: Twilight Amaranthine, Crown of Eyes, A Clarion Call, and a random untitled track. Although it's in a completely different genre, somehow this album (I think it's the guitar tone) reminds me of Fates Warning's A Pleasant Shade of Gray. There's that same well-produced, melodic yet brooding feeling to it. I love the metaphysical day cycle theme of the lyrics- sunset, nighttime, and dawn as a metaphor for spirituality.

I like to eat while listening to metal (even the band Anorexia Nervosa). To keep up on the "kitchen" aspect of this blog, I'll post some recipes that are popular in my neck of the woods.


Matt's Guacamole

Avocadoes, tomatoes, onions (whatever you have), a little cilantro, a little lime, olive oil, and salt. Cut everything up and serve with whatever.

Barry's Baked Tofu

Slice or cube a block of firm tofu. Mix 1/4 cup of your favorite sweetener (Barry uses honey) and 1/4 cup soy sauce. Add cinnamon, nutmeg, cloves, and whatever other sweet spices you have. Bake 40 minutes at 350.

Kitty's Wet Cement

Fry up a little chopped onion, a little garlic, and about a tablespoon each of coriander and cumin. Add a couple of bay leaves and equal parts of cheap greyish lentils and water, keep boiling and stirring until all the water is absorbed. Add more water. Keep boiling. Keep stirring until the whole morass resembles wet cement or some type of thick industrial slurry. Add salt and pepper to taste. Eat.

Weakling- Dead As Dreams

Take Darkthrone, Shape of Despair, Sunn O))), Burzum, early Emperor, the scary parts of early Tangerine Dream, vocals that are an indecipherable cri du coeur, the omnipresent extended technique rumble of intentional bass feedback, and the shadows of clouds floating over the Californian sky. Shake until you get a blend of mid-tempo pure darkness interspersed with bits of shimmering atmospheric beauty where everything just clicks. That's Dead as Dreams, this San Francisco band's first and only release.

With songs ranging from 14 to more than 20 minutes long, your typical mainstream metalhead is wont to draw comparisons to Opeth. Just... no. I listen to Opeth at times, but Weakling is to Opeth as "Threnody for the Victims of Hiroshima" is to "Appalachian Spring". But hey, Copland and Penderecki are both 20th century composers.

I love Weakling's song titles- instead of prog metal nonsense like "A Thinking Man's Modern Galactic Sonata in C# Mixolydian Pentatonic" (attention proggies: it's metal not jazz) or black metal Satanic Viking Tree Nazi cheese, they have meaningful titles like "No One Can Be Called A Man While He'll Die" and "Cut Their Grain and Place Fire Within". As an added bonus, the keyboards actually add to how good this album is, rather than destroying its value altogether, Dimmu Borgir style.

For me, Dead as Dreams evokes the turbulent, passionate, swirling grayness at the edge of the world. There's definitely a martial theme, but there's also the sense of utter transmigratory hopelessness, conveyed by the songs' minimalist organization and never-resolving dissonance. It's like Norse eschatology- the wolf eats the world, and the whole horribleness starts over again. Over and over.


go fetch.

Knjaz Varggoth is Fugly

Nokturnal Mortum: great, beautiful, amazing ethnic metal marred by Hitler nonsense, questionable looking lead singer. No amount of poorly-applied corpse paint and horrible Ren-faire garb can obscure the fact that Varggoth is probably the ugliest man on the planet.

My friend Paul retaliated by saying that everyone in BM is ugly. Anyone with more than superficial knowledge of the genre knows that Ihsahn was a heartthrob in the early '90s. Even Gaahl is decent looking without his makeup. I would definitely go lesbian for Gallhammer (even though their music is terribly derivative), and Varg is merely a cute geek.

How to Keep Patches from Falling Off in the Pit

Disclaimer: Don't be the guy above.

I don't care if it has iron-on stuff on the back. You don't iron patches on if you want them to stay. You sew them (which is manlier anyway). And the grimmest, most necro stitch for this purpose is the almightly overhand stitch.



Like the rainbow Bifrost that connects Midgard and the realm of the gods, this mighty stitch connects your precious metal badge to the warrior denim, leather, or corduroy of your jacket. Some guy at a show I went to had an awesome Burzum patch on his disgusting grey sweats. That is beyond disrespectful. Don't be him.

First things first.

Sewing tips for noobs:

1. Your basic warchest must include a strong Excalibur-like needle, thick black cotton thread, a thimble of the mightiest steel, and a needle threader.
2. Do not make a knot at the end of your thread. Instead, leave a little hanging when you pull the needle through, and stitch over the stitch you made.
3. If you are sewing a large back patch, safety pins are krieg.
4. Make small stitches, and sew over previous stitches (see tip 2) periodically. You want the patch to be etched into the memory of the jacket for all eternity.
5. Finish with (step 2).
6. Make sure to cut the thread very close to the fabric.

Now you are ready to adorn your warrior gear.

This patch is sewn very well on my ... corduroy blazer.

The Seattle Conspiracy at Stony Brook

Stony Brook University is as far geographically from the Emerald City as you can get, but Seattle is conspiring to take us over. I don't know why this is happening, but it is.

Exhibit A.



Our school's dining hall coffee has been switched from Ritazza to Seattle's Best. Coincidence? I think not. I've always thought that Seattle's best coffee was Starbucks. They should have Cafe Bustelo instead, now that's good brew.

Exhibit B.



I saw several University of Washington flyers up on the bulletin board in the music building alongside sperm donor ads. Several. Most schools, including medical schools, put up only one ad. They are trying to steal our students.

Exhibit C.



All of a sudden, everyone metal here is listening to Agalloch. This coincides with Don's recent move to Seattle.

Exhibit D.



Biodiesel school buses. Need I say more?



So, my fellow Stony Brookians... be true to your Long Island roots... and be aware of the Seattle Conspiracy.

Heavy Metal Laundry Tips

by a good friend of mine, Scott Truemetalradio Maxwell

"A friend of mine, a true headbanger of triumphant steel and fellow traveller on the quest of destiny through the vale of evermore (we shall call him "Tim"), once asked me, "Scott, how do you get your metal shirts to stay so black?"

What Tim had astutely observed was that my metal kit maintains its abyssic darkness, despite the scores of metal concerts I have attended where I have moshed, headbanged, sweated, had beer and other substance spilled on me, and in general soiled my shirts in every manner possible, and despite hundreds of hours of agitated hydromatic abuse to purge them of these effects. Years of heavy metal mayhem have not cast the pale light of hope on my wardrobe of doom.

You know what I'm talking about - the guys whose ultra-vintage Slayer shirts are now grey dishrags where the print is barely discernible. At a distance, they might as well be wearing the same wolf shirts and ancient NASCAR merch as their bucktoothed brethren.

But for you, the truly elite metalheads, I am here to bestow the darkest secrets of Laundromancy upon thee. I have consulted tomes of ancient wisdom (i.e., I asked my mom) in preparing this guide. May it serve you well... in darkness:

1) WOOLITE IST KRIEG. Your precious metal shirts are meant to be handwashed, so as to preserve the ink prints and the integrity of the fabric. Woolite is expensive, but it is an investment in your metal cred. In recent years, WOOLITE DARK has been introduced, formulated for dark clothes exclusively. USE IT! Immortal would endorse no less.

2) COLD WASH ONLY. Allow your clothes to soak in waters as cold as the rivers of Blashyrkh itself, without agitation. HAND WASH, or use the "hand washables" cycle on your washing machine. Your precious metal shirts get enough violent agitation when you're wearing them in the mosh pit.

3) NEVER USE FABRIC SOFTENER ON METAL SHIRTS. "Softener" on a metal shirt? Are you kidding? Does the Snuggle bear really look like he knows the difference between Iron Maiden and Iron Angel? Not only should true metalheads welcome and relish Unsoftness, but fabric softener works by expanding the fibers of the fabric, thereby subjecting your battle armor to undue wear and tear. There's time for that later.

4) AIR DRY ONLY. Dryers are false metal. The cold north winds will serve you well. But keep them out of the sun's rays! The sun, as always, is the enemy of darkness.

In conclusion, I would like to address the concerns of those who proudly remark that laundry, showering, and other matters of personal hygiene are NOT "heavy metal." Well, right on, brother, that's hilarious, but will you still be laughing when you die a virgin?"

Wolves in the Throne Room...

It was a cold and rainy day, similar to many in the black metal meccas of Northern Europe and the Pacific Northwest....

I went to see these guys last night at this joint called Death by Audio, which is an illegally operated space formerly occupied by some subset of the NYC DOT. Its illegality was evidenced by the fact that the promoter intermittently told large groups of loitering metalheads (but not hipsters) to scram. I guess I look 'hip' enough so he only told me to scram when I was hanging out with more "metal looking" people. I hung out with some locals, offered to help random bands move their stuff, and looked at Moog keyboards and Sunn amps at the local music shop until I went in to witness some cheesy techno-rock band ply their repetitive wares.

My friend Serge was there with his little math teacher. We went out, sat on some steps, and made up horrible black metal songs about ducks.

Somehow I made it to the front row when Wolves were playing. They played the middle 3 songs off of Diadem, which was absolutely fabulous because that is an amazing album. We were right behind the 2nd guitarist Rick, and the drummer (who wore a feather in his cap) was just going spastic. It was incredible that he only had 1 bass drum. Their equipment wasn't fancy at all- regular guitars, no bass, shitty drums, and the generic Korg that had been on stage since the beginning of the show. None of them had any musical training. They just played by ear, channeling the wild spirits of black metal and the woods and nature and all that jazz. Being too poor for special effects, they sounded just like they did on the album- which is good, unlike many of even the overproduced BM bands out there.

So me and Serge got sick of the place and went to find a bodega to get quarter water and pineapple sodas. Later that evening, a group of wandering NSBM kids professed to me their love for ghettofied soda and invited me for a drink, which I declined in favor of hanging out and helping the Wolves move their random boxes of stuff. I asked them about the NSBM thing and it turns out that they weren't racist (one was hitting on me!), but proud of their roots. I didn't see what was so Hitler-approved about the Polish culture (which they came from), but whatever floats your boat.

I was supposed to interview the Wolves for my ethnomusicology project, but they were too tired and couldn't think straight. Nathan told me to touch his shirt and it was quite, quite moist. After every falling-apart box and sack was tucked into the van, we squeezed into the malfunctioning vehicle and started dashing madly westward. I was dropped off in a random part of Manhattan and eventually made my way to the train station. And now I'm here on Long Island, typing away on my malfunctioning laptop.

A few notes about the Wolves:

They are the sweetest, most adorable bunch of bohemian boys. Aaron goes absolutely crazy on stage with his falling-apart drum set. Nerds and Burzum fans love them. They don't live in a hut in the woods, but on a normal small town organic farm. Nathan runs an all-ages club. They aren't involved with any type of black metal craziness and they dress like normal people and shop at Goodwill, et al. They eat random band chow and their roadie reminds me of Napoleon Dynamite. Carnegie Mellon kids are so lucky that this wonderful band actually went to their school. My school got fucking Kanye West.

Microwave Pasta and Xasthur- Subliminal Genocide

Xasthur puts out the bleakest, most beautiful beautiful deconstructed noise for the end of the world. Subliminal Genocide is no different. Darkly glimmering weave themselves into the dense, buzzing texture of guitars and ferocious, ametrical drumming, creating that dimly lit sonic space that is (to people like me) pure love. LOL.

Xasthur doesn't need bandmates to create haunting and amazing music, and I need neither a pot nor a stove to cook pasta. I took an old pasta jar sauce, filled it up with water and pasta, and microwaved it for 2 minutes. I sprinkled in some salt and screwed the top back on, and waited for around 20 minutes or so, enough time to watch a few metal videos on Youtube.

My pasta came out just right, and those rabid environmentalists Wolves in the Throne Room (whom I will go see this Friday) would certainly approve.


Go listen.