Heavy Metal Laundry Tips

by a good friend of mine, Scott Truemetalradio Maxwell

"A friend of mine, a true headbanger of triumphant steel and fellow traveller on the quest of destiny through the vale of evermore (we shall call him "Tim"), once asked me, "Scott, how do you get your metal shirts to stay so black?"

What Tim had astutely observed was that my metal kit maintains its abyssic darkness, despite the scores of metal concerts I have attended where I have moshed, headbanged, sweated, had beer and other substance spilled on me, and in general soiled my shirts in every manner possible, and despite hundreds of hours of agitated hydromatic abuse to purge them of these effects. Years of heavy metal mayhem have not cast the pale light of hope on my wardrobe of doom.

You know what I'm talking about - the guys whose ultra-vintage Slayer shirts are now grey dishrags where the print is barely discernible. At a distance, they might as well be wearing the same wolf shirts and ancient NASCAR merch as their bucktoothed brethren.

But for you, the truly elite metalheads, I am here to bestow the darkest secrets of Laundromancy upon thee. I have consulted tomes of ancient wisdom (i.e., I asked my mom) in preparing this guide. May it serve you well... in darkness:

1) WOOLITE IST KRIEG. Your precious metal shirts are meant to be handwashed, so as to preserve the ink prints and the integrity of the fabric. Woolite is expensive, but it is an investment in your metal cred. In recent years, WOOLITE DARK has been introduced, formulated for dark clothes exclusively. USE IT! Immortal would endorse no less.

2) COLD WASH ONLY. Allow your clothes to soak in waters as cold as the rivers of Blashyrkh itself, without agitation. HAND WASH, or use the "hand washables" cycle on your washing machine. Your precious metal shirts get enough violent agitation when you're wearing them in the mosh pit.

3) NEVER USE FABRIC SOFTENER ON METAL SHIRTS. "Softener" on a metal shirt? Are you kidding? Does the Snuggle bear really look like he knows the difference between Iron Maiden and Iron Angel? Not only should true metalheads welcome and relish Unsoftness, but fabric softener works by expanding the fibers of the fabric, thereby subjecting your battle armor to undue wear and tear. There's time for that later.

4) AIR DRY ONLY. Dryers are false metal. The cold north winds will serve you well. But keep them out of the sun's rays! The sun, as always, is the enemy of darkness.

In conclusion, I would like to address the concerns of those who proudly remark that laundry, showering, and other matters of personal hygiene are NOT "heavy metal." Well, right on, brother, that's hilarious, but will you still be laughing when you die a virgin?"